So far, so good!
Well, sort of. I have the kind of madness that is treatable, and I am very grateful. And despite many of my poor choices, following my madness has never steered me wrong.
Moving to DC with 9 months of sobriety? GREAT decision - but everyone else thought I was mad.
Giving up my entire practice and career to move to the Navajo reservation and make a quarter of what I did before? Utter madness - but it is how I learned to be alone and be happy. And to stop serial dating.
Quitting my lucrative but abusive job? Madness again. And again, one of the best things I ever did.
Walking away from all the Narcissists in my life? Very hard to do but the true madness was me staying with all of them for as long as I did. The sanest thing I ever did was leave. Sometimes there is actually escape in escaping (Thanks Taylor!)
Going to Ireland alone and on a solo road trip around the country? Madness! Such a wonderful time. I needed it to heal and to prepare myself to leave the last standing Narcissist in my life.
Going to New England this Fall for another road trip solo with no reservations or plans? MADNESS! But here I go again.
What I have learned is that my particular madness only seems crazy to other people, but for me, all of the above examples set me free in one way or another. Not very many people in my life thought most of the above was a good, sane idea when I was considering it, but the end result? Fucking magic.
And I can see the golden connective thread through it all. I can see how one storyline was the seed for the next, and how interconnected they all are in my growth as a human being, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter.
My life is the best it has ever been right now. I like who and what I am. I am happy in my own skin. I have developed into my own being, not some carbon copy of someone else. I have my own style, personality, belief system, spiritual practice, journey and faith. It has taken me almost 55 years to get here but fuck if it wasn’t a magical fucking ride!
What I have today that I didn’t have before is exactly: I have learned to trust my own madness. And stop trusting the madness of others! I can see now my largest, most egregious mistakes have come from NOT trusting my own madness and TRUSTING someone else’s madness. My last relationship would be case in point (I know, I will have to stop referring to this particular debacle at some point, but fuck, when someone fucks you over that badly, pervasively and completely, it takes a little while to recover and really let it all go. I will get there but, for now, I am just taking the healing as it comes).
Life is inherently good and so am I. Always have been. I have allowed the goodness within me to be corroded by the bad influences of others and my own misguided beliefs that I was somehow to blame for the misdeeds of others. This is not to say that I have been perfect in this whole living endeavor, quite to the contrary, I have fucked it up a great many times. And will continue to do so.
But fuck if I haven’t learned a great deal along the way. I am nothing if not a life long student...mostly of the shit that I get myself into that I should have never gotten into in the first place! But, again, that is how I have arrived at this most auspicious day where I can say, without any reservation whatsoever, my madness is completely, totally trustworthy.
And that fact comes with a bit of pain because I can’t help but wonder where I would be, who I would be, if I didn’t constantly derail my own life with the madness of others. It is like I have been afraid to own my own life. Afraid to be me, own this life I have. I have squandered. I have failed. I have depleted resources. I have opted to immerse myself in the drama and trauma of others because my unhealed trauma dictated that was where my worth would be found. WRONG! Dead fucking wrong. That is only where I experienced more trauma until I had enough. And to the last deliverer of a massive amount of trauma, thanks! Really, I am grateful to him. I am grateful for him because without him I would have never hit the low I did. I would have never made myself so small and insignificant in my own life which is what bitch slapped me into the realization that I was wasting my love, my time and my money. I can’t say this without cringing a little, but I am even grateful to him.
He taught me things I needed to know. He taught me lows I never wanted to experience. He taught me most of all how little I valued myself by putting up with all his bullshit, lies, manipulations and histrionics. And as much as it pains me to say this, I guess I needed to hit that bottom, hard.
Today, I emerge from the chrysalis that was the him cocoon. Actually, I think I have been emerging for the past month or so. But today, today I know I am fully out, my wings all dry and supportive as I take flight (quite literally) into my old, new life. Life moves so fast, so very fast once you are on the backside of 50. Every day takes on new meaning, purpose and grace. And I will not squander anymore on people such as him. Or employers. Or friends. Or family. Or anyone.
I think one of the maddest things you can do in this life is to trust your own madness with all that you are. To trust that your inner guide and spirit will always lead you where you are supposed to go, even when everyone else says you are crazy, or stupid, or ridiculous. Let them converse about the state of your madness. Let them delight in their recriminations, their warnings and their judgments. They are not your concern. Your only true concern is to be still enough and quiet enough to hear your own madness calling to you from within. And once it has your attention, then, truly, your life will begin anew with intensity and purpose and drive and verve. It will be your becoming, finally.
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