I have heard, many times, the idea that anything that is meant for you will come for you...anything at all. And there is no action you can take, or fail to take, that will redirect something meant for you, away from you.
Honestly, I have felt the whole of my life that this was a not so subtle aggression against who you were and how you were living in the moment. I mean, it felt virtue signaling. It felt like something someone says after you lose someone you love very much and they are tired of you being sad or upset and they want you to just get on with it already.
And for a long time I was suspect of this axiom, “you cannot fuck this up, everything that is meant for you shall find its way to you...”
It has taken my lifetime, but I can see now the reason I didn’t trust this motto or verse was because it obviated me from the process. I mean, if I can’t fuck it up, then I don’t really have all that much control do I? It is just going to unfold no matter what I do and I cannot force things to come to me that are not meant for me, and I cannot keep things with me that need to go...And to be honest, I fucking hated that!
I wanted control. I wanted to decide. I wanted to be the master of my own destiny...and it honestly pissed me off to think that I could neither pull to me people or things that were not meant for me, anymore than I could hold things and people to me that needed to leave. I hated the whole fucking idea, process and axiom.
But like most things in this life, the idea, concept, belief that I railed against the most, more often becomes the truth I have been living in all the while. And I seem to always be the last to know.
Life moves pretty fast, despite the long drought periods where life feels stagnant and stale. I know that even in the driest of times, life is being lived in a very real way, just on a more cellular level than my consciousness grants me access to. Just because it feels like I am living in some sort of nuclear winter where everything is dead and over, doesn’t mean that is actually the reality of my life.
And so often, so very often, I find that it is after a particularly hard spell, the roughest of times, that I gain access and awareness to ideas, concepts and spiritual planes that I previously did not have access to. And I level up.
As I have put out there, repeatedly, the last two plus years have been a kind of living nightmare for me on several different levels. My son’s addiction issues have made life quite hellish at times. Dating a narcissistic liar was also quite damaging coupled with his ongoing addiction issues on top of the hell that was my son at times, it has been a really hard time. Time that I felt like I would not survive. But here is the thing...I did.
And because of my own codependency issues I was forced to level up once more, garnering strength and courage to grant me access to new emotional highs and lows I needed to hit in order to keep my own head above water.
And I didn’t fuck it up. I got exactly what I needed to arrive me at a place today where I am healed and healing. I pray for both my son and my ex to find recovery and heal themselves. And I am very clear that I am not a part of either of their journeys any longer. And that is also as it should be.
It has taken years, but I am finally in a place where I am done with all of that and I am ready to move forward in my own life, undaunted by what lies ahead as well as buoyed by the very painfully earned wisdom I gained living through that particular ugliness.
And I can see now the entire trajectory thus far has been to show me that I will be ok no matter what. I, in fact, cannot fuck this up. I cannot mess up my future because, in truth, it isn’t up to me at all. It just isn’t. I see that which is meant for me comes and goes and I need only hold my open palm flat allowing whatever is here, now, to land and then alight when it is time. If there is one mistake I have made repeatedly is thinking that there is permanency where there is none.
Sigh.
But on mornings like this, I know absolutely with all that I am that it has all been my becoming. All of the plot twists and turns and it isn’t done yet. There is more ahead...and I am not even sure where that leads. But I am happy. I am content. I feel better than I have ever felt in fact. My life feels completely totally mine for the first time in a very long time. And I owe the past, the recent and the distant, a knowing nod for getting me here to this place where I absolutely trust that which is meant for me will always come and that which is not shall always pass away. And my work, shall always be to walk the line in betwixt and between of desperate wanting and reluctant letting go.
While people may use the axiom in a fatalistic kind of way, it doesn’t mean that that is the only way to apply it. I believe, I mean I am never really sure, but I believe that while I shall continue to receive and never really know what is actually meant for me and what is mine only in the here and now, another lesson moving me forward toward that which is meant for me next, if I slow life down and appreciate, savor and devour every single moment of peace, kindness, love, acceptance and joy, my life explodes in a resounding symphony of brilliant synergy.
I just never trusted it.
I just wanted it to go my way.
I just wanted to have control.
But I see now, with stark clarity and a renewed sense of humbleness, that which was meant for me has always found me and that which is not meant for me has either refused to come or remain. And I have been ok and quite perfectly attended during all of it. My only issue has been believing that what I want and need shall ever matchup perfectly with that which is meant for me in today’s time.
I do not need to drive it.
I do not need control it.
I do not need to figure it all out.
My job as human being is just to ride the wild tide of my life home.
Again...still.
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