What Will This Do to My Soul?

It is something I am going to have tattooed on my arm...or forehead.  Or somewhere.  I need the reminder, all the time.

I wish I would have thought this thought earlier.  Just asking the question would have kept me from doing so many things to myself that were bad, horrible, soul crushing and devastating.  Of course, most of those things didn’t seem like they would end that way at the time...

It is a thought I have begun to have often.  When I am about to do something or say something.  I am beginning to consider the hereafter consequences of my actions.  What has come to me by default is this revelation that I am very often in jeopardy of doing something horrific to my soul while otherwise satisfying some other part of me:  my ego (mostly), my genitals (far too often), my heart (less so), my pride (all the damn time).  So many other parts of me have clamored for attention and jockeyed for position, leaving my poor battered soul to stand broken, beaten and completely defeated just outside the parameters of a life well lived.

Why has it not occurred to me before now the cost of all this living takes against my soul?

Is it because death grows ever nearer every day?

Is it because I can see my skin sag and become gravity’s bitch?

Is it because I can feel my mind and body slip a little more every day, and as they do, this soul, that I have wholly ignored for far too long, is slowly revealed in its emaciated, starving and largely neglected form?

Is that even true?  Is my soul really in such bad shape?  I am not even really sure anymore.  I feel like I have done a better job of caring for the source that resides inside me, but maybe not.  Maybe, as usual, I am the last to know.

But there seems to be an ever increasing vibration, a cadence of soul inquiry that is happening for me with increasing intensity and demand.  I feel myself wondering “what will THIS do to my soul?” Far more often than I have ever thought of it before.  I guess, perhaps, since WWJD never really appealed to me, I am finding my own way with WWTDTMS.

Ok, it is largely too long to catch on, but for me, the inquiry is vital to my existence.  I have to really start thinking about how what I do, what I allow others to do, what actions I take or do not take, how that is all going to have this crucial impact on my soul.  Something I have largely failed to consider for most of my life.  I tended to operate off the “well this feels good now” let’s do that more.  And the contrary action of “well this feels awful, let’s avoid that at all costs,” and then do all that I could to avoid it at all costs!

I know what feeds my soul.  Connection.  Deep, meaningful, honest connection.  But this requires that I show up and bare my soul to others which is where it all falls apart for me.  I want the connection but I want it without the risk.  I want it without the vulnerability. I want it without all the possibility of heartbreak.  I want to be safe AND connected.  And for me, so often, safety only comes with disconnection.

I have been at odds with the desire to be present and connected and bonded on a soul level and all the experience I have had which largely underscores that I am a very poor selector with whom I attempt to connect.  I am not sure why it is like this, I mean there is trauma so that is the likely culprit.  But I just know that I am lost currently on the writhing sea of disconnection I feel destined to circumnavigate.

But I am starting more often to ask the WWTDTMS.  What is the soul consequence to the action or inaction I am about to embark upon?  What is the cost to my soul with this next thing I think is best for me?  What will happen to my soul if I do this or that?

And, ultimately, what will happen to my soul if I don’t begin to consider it more completely, more often and with more loving consideration than I have previously afforded it? 

I am pretty sure my soul will either continue to battle on, never being recognized for the heroic efforts it has put forth at living and loving.  And I am very sure that my soul deserves more than I have previously been willing to give...

So I begin to ask the question WWTDTS...

Again...over and over until it becomes still.