What?
Wait...is that not the purpose of my life? To get what I want?
I am learning that me living my life only to get what I want leads to a lonely, isolated and limited way of living.
I have found that the best thing for me, and those around me, is if I live as if I have no wants. That I just take each day as it comes, giving and taking what it will. Allowing those things that I want to just be there and then release them, trusting that whatever I need will come and whatever I want will only manifest if and when the timing is right.
I have wanted so many things that damn near killed me. So many things I have wanted desperately that once I received them, made me realized that they only brought misery or fear or a bankruptcy of spirit, love or hope. See I pick all the wrong shit for all the wrong reasons...still. I have found that my life is best led by someone one other than me. I have to seek the divine first and allow that whatever is presented and given to me by the powers that be to be what I want.
If I take the lead, I am sure for trouble, strife and misery. Today my wants are less. The pandemic gave me that. I am not striving for things, events, vacations or things to make my life richer or better or more exciting. My life has gotten very still and quiet and quite humdrum. But oh my God, how amazingly wonderful it is to be present for it all. I feel almost like I have been given short movie scenes of my life, where I am living, present in the moment and then there is this amazing recall of that same moment. A remembering of being there riding my bike on a late afternoon with my son to grab a coffee, paddling the harbor with my daughter and dog or some women friends, laughing, loving and being present. Lying on my swing bed in my meditation room outside, writing and reading and feeling a level of contentment and joy that I had not previously known. These are the moments that I receive when I get out of the way and stop insisting and demanding that I know, that I do, that I receive what I want. I am given everything that I could ever want which is a peaceful abiding that resides in my chest and beats with my heart instead of against it. I am here, now in all that I do and I am not striving to be given things out of reach. I am not evaluating my life and coming up short. I am humbled by all that I have been given and receive in every moment of every single day.
So for me, I am letting go of want, and instead devoting time to appreciating all that presents itself in my daily life. What I want is not important because I know that I will receive what I need. How do I know this? Because I always have. Every single moment of my life. I receive. I receive. I receive. And, on the whole, the things I have received are things that were too big or great for me to even think of wanting...things like the smile on my dog’s face when I rub her belly, things like my daughter beautiful face as she rides her horse, the loving embrace from my son, the loving and amazing connection I have with my parents, the friends that call me and love and care about me, the work that I do that has purpose and heart. I have been overpaid with all the things that I never thought to want...
I do believe today that me getting what I want would result in me being severely shortchanged. And would likely spell my ruin. I do believe today that my worst day would come when I got everything I wanted...and I know this because I lived that day. The day that I looked around at all the stuff I wanted and realized that I lacked the most fundamental and important thing, a belief in something greater than myself that would lead me to a peaceful and loving relationship with myself.
So today I will endeavor not to want, but to give instead and trust that whatever beautiful light guided me this far, knows exactly what I need today, and all the days after. I am free from want because I am full of something much greater, a contentment and appreciation for all that I have been given, for all that has been removed and for this life, right now, as it is, without anything more.
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