He was not the first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up. Neither was she. I am going to call that progress...
There were a few blissful minutes where he did not exist, she did not exist so neither did his betrayal of either of us. I was just me, living this life and there was no acute pain thumping in my chest. There were no hard feelings or bitterness or feelings of abject loss ricocheting around in my mind. I was just me, not heartbroken. Not sad. Not hurt. Not angry. I resembled someone I used to be. I was peaceful, calm, happy.
That lasted about three minutes before HE popped into my mind and now 20 minutes later here I am back at grieving. But I am going to count that as a win this morning. I had three minutes where I was not consumed with HIM and HER and PAIN and FEELING SO FUCKING STUPID.
I was not processing the trauma of our relationship. I was not attempting to sort through the lies. I was not trying to right myself into my actual reality instead of the one I was living in just a few days ago. I was not trying to help HER deal with HER pain either. Both of us finding some sort of solace in each other’s loss and grief and love. I will give him this...he picks pretty amazing women. But I promised this would not be about HIM anymore.
But I cannot move forward in my own life and not own that which is dominating it currently, something that can only be described as grieving. I am not sure how one actually goes about grieving something that I am not sure I ever really had. Was any of it real? Was it all a fucking lie? Or just a series of lies and manipulations? Was it just a long two year con? Was I just a fool the entire fucking time?
The thing I am learning now about infidelity that I never have had the displeasure of experiencing prior to now, is that you kind of have to go back and question everything. And I do mean everything! You doubt every thought, feeling, physical sensation, every single moment you thought was real and loving, comes back up for this hypercritical review. And fuck, the judgment! Oh my God. The judgment! It is wrecking me. Not against him but myself...
How could I be so blind?
How could I be so stupid?
You had doubts all along and at the beginning, why didn’t you listen to yourself?
How could you mean so very little to someone who professed to love you?
Why did I, the great over thinker of my time, NOT see this coming?
Why didn’t I stay gone the first four times I ended it with him?
How did you ever let yourself fall this hard and this far for someone who literally would not walk across the street for you?
How could you ever love someone who is so manipulative, hard hearted and cruel?
How?
Why?
What?
Where?
When?
Over and over and over again, every waking moment of your day. This is also while you are still showing up at work, still parenting, still doing all the basic daily living tasks (which are a total pain in the ass). You get used to your mind being totally owned by the obsessive thoughts and the pervasive need to make sense of something that just does not and cannot make sense! You get used to having to start your conversation or thought thread over like a 100 times a day because you are busy doing something else and then WHAMMO, your mind is invaded with intrusive thoughts about which you are really trying to let go and NOT think about. But you can’t help it. The thoughts, like a tidal wave toppling your life, they come and then in some sort of twisted fuckery, the feelings come in waves larger than the thoughts. A thought and feeling Tsunami that threatens to take you out...all day long.
So this morning’s three minutes where I was just me, and HE did not enter into my consciousness. And because my memory of him was not current and present, then I was able to just have some peace. It might be the only peace I get all day, and it wasn’t long enough, but today at least I had it. And so I will take those three minutes and trust that if I got three minutes of peace and serenity only three days after the BIG REVEAL, then I will hopefully have more in the intervening days and weeks to come.
Right now the balance is out of whack. I have just been served a heartbreak sandwich and it is going to take some time to choke down. And then there is the digestive phase which I am sure is also not all that fun. But if I got three blissful minutes of MY life back this morning, then I feel good trusting that every day that passes there will be more. Moments where I will just forget that he existed. I will not be plagued with thoughts of doubt, insecurity and pain. I will not doubt everything or myself. I will have new experiences and I will slowly write over the endlessly looping tape of pain that was HIM.
And my son brought me flowers for the second time this week. A boy that has historically cared or at least displayed by his action that he cared about me very little. But I woke this morning to flowers from him and a text full of love and support. And that was something I never thought would ever happen.
So today, I can still believe in miracles because my son is one. And I am one. And miraculous things happen to people who are able to walk through the blackness of their souls and finally take their space, their place in the sun. I was like the sun to him, always trying to pull him from his shadows, and now, I don’t have to waste my time or energy or heart or soul on any of that. His soul is not my business anymore, if it every really was anyway.
Not now, but someday I hope I find someone else who lived in the shadows but found their own way out, doesn’t need me to attempt to drag them into the light, no instead he and I can just be content dancing in our shared mutual sun, giving a healthy nod of acknowledgement to the darkness that we both survived.
But that is not today...that may never be a day for me. But today, I can take back just a little more of myself that I so willingly gave away. I can take me back in 3 minute increments...one mother fucking day at a time.
That is what healing looks like today...
Again...still.
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