It has been a few years since I dated. And in between the person I was then, and the person I am now, I have changed...a lot! I am not the same person, so it is interesting for me to return to the dating pool now as this newer version of myself.
The process is the same. Lots of options, but somehow with all options, nothing all that great seems to materialize. I am conscious of the fact there are these minute windows for connection and we all miss them because we are too busy, distracted, or hoping for something better. It is a weird way to attempt to start something with another person.
I am not even sure what I want anymore. I am not looking for “him” but I am not not looking for “him”. I mean after all this time, how can I even believe a “him” exists!? And I am not sure I do. There just maybe, for me, a series of hims that are ok in the short run but are never, ever going to be able to go the distance with me. Or me with them.
I heard someone call online dating, “what’s left” and I think that is an apt moniker for the over 50 dating pool, the younger generation fares better. Most of us over 50 resort to the online forum even though almost everyone I meet says they hate it but they do it because they do not have the time or opportunity to connect anywhere else. We are immersed in our careers, our kids (even though they need us less and less), taking care of ourselves which feels like what I do in between working, sleeping and parenting. And to be really fucking honest, I mean how much time are we going to devote to a forum that produces such little success?
I mean if you want to get laid, then online is great for that. You can line up a sexual exploit almost within an hour. If you find someone brave enough and you have the stomach for that. But even those are hard to nail down, with schedules, distance and the like. I am not saying that I am over here trying to line that up, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I thought about it. And what stops me every single time is that it would just be sex. And I don’t want just sex. I want a connection with someone to share sex with. Honestly the mechanics of sex is something I would do better solo than with someone I barely know, do not care about and am honestly a little worried about. Getting over all of that and having a good sexual time feels almost insurmountable, I need the connection, tenuous as it may be, otherwise it is just body parts meshing with other body parts.
Online is actually good for dating too. You can go on a million first dates and several hundred second dates, but then things just tend to fizzle. It feels like everyone, myself included, after two dates finds themselves wondering “do I like this person enough to begin to alter my life?” Or “I think it would just be easier to meet someone else and start the whole process over!” Or even “it is more fun to scroll for hours through humanity's possibilities than it is to truly put forth the effort to establish a connection.”
So I am where I always am after a few weeks online...despondent. I don’t see how this ever works out for any of us. Whether it be just for fucking, dating or loving. It all feels empty, a time suck and grinding (and not in a good way).
I wish I could just bang 32 year olds forever and not care. About them, about me, about what society had to say about some cougar fucking younger men. But I can’t. I mean, there is a part of me that really, really wants to, but then there is the part of me that has worth, and value and respect and I just can’t get there. You might be shocked at how many sex dates I have scheduled and cancelled. It is like how I feel about moving...I like the idea of it until I have to start actually preparing for it, then I am just like “I will live here forever because the amount of effort I am about to expend surpasses the amount of fucks I actually have to give and the amount of time and energy I am willing to dedicate to this particular cause.” True story.
And I am struck once more at how much we all long for connection and interest and sex and touch and to be seen and how much we all seem to miss the opportunities afforded us. Everyone is playing it safe. Cards are not all on the table, we are holding aces, because we know, this far along in life, you are gonna need an ace for something, at some time!
So dating affords us relentless opportunities for connection, that none of us is actually sure we can handle, or are ready for...I think men and women are out there searching for that person that takes their breath away, makes them feel safe, secure, loved, desired and wanted but first you have to wade through all of the single and semi-single people in your geographic location.
And can we just talk about all the ENM and poly people?? These people fall into one of two camps...either they are the hottest people online or the not-hottest people online. Every time I see someone that is looking for a hookup or a lover or a sexual addendum, I am wowed by the fact they are either so astonishingly gorgeous OR they look like they belong in the movie Deliverance. I vacillate back and forth between the following thoughts:
“You are so fucking HOT and likely have a very hot partner/wife AND YOU ARE STILL NOT SATISFIED??????? WTAF?”
OR
“I am not sure how you landed ONE person on this planet, and now you are wanting more??? WTAF? Count your motherfucking blessings!”
Not my best thoughts about humanity, but they are my thoughts, every single fucking time!
So what dating affords me is an ever evolving reality check with myself. It is a place where I must find some congruity with all the different facets of me. The vixen, the cougar, the lover, the friend, the loner, the coupler, the seeker, the traveler, the muse, the unattainable. All of these women make an appearance in my every day life, and yes, I know that is confusing. I am all of those women, every single day. And it is very hard for me to reconcile all of me with this process where I am sure the men are showing up in much the same way.
So dating affords us all the opportunity to come to know ourselves better, how people shut us down or open us up. What we want and what we don’t. Dating can really be a vehicle for self discovery of who we are, who we wish we were and who we might be if we spent more time working on ourselves and less time scrolling the internet for hours and hours searching for something that lights us up in ways we have never experienced before...
And like always I vacillate once more between whether this is just a waste of time or whether it is a useful endeavor that just might pay off someday. I am doing my best to hang in there with it and not just get on for two weeks and bail, with an ever ready solemn oath to never, ever do this again. I am trying to participate in my life and the lives of others and so far I will say I have met some really lovely men. Really lovely. And I have been having a good time. But I would be a liar of epic proportions if I didn’t own that the whole endeavor makes me just a little sad and lonely. But I guess the feelings of sad and lonely are just there no matter what I do. And it is not likely that I am going to ever meet anyone for sex or anything else if I just sit in my house reading, writing and cleaning. So I guess I have to put myself out there into the world and date.
And I will say it is a great deal of fun. I like meeting new people and it is interesting connecting with people who you don’t know and now engage with on a hopefully ever more intimate level. And I guess you just learn to ride the waves of what flows in and what flows out. Not attempting to direct it or control it or insist upon what it is you want. I honestly have no idea. I want a lot of different things all at once and I do not seem to find anyone, so far, that has made that more clear for me. I have met several I just wanted to fuck, several I might want to date and the jury is still out on the rest of the queue.
I guess what dating really affords us is an another avenue for self exploration, your acquaintance with veracity and integrity (your own and others) and a daily checkin about how much you are actually capable of showing up in your life, for yourself, and for all the others that might land in your matches. And it is also a grand avenue to further explore holding on and letting go because, living, like dating, requires you to both, all the time.
Again...still.
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