Happy New Year!
It was a lovely NYE celebration for me. Filled with music, dancing, fun, friends and I even made it until midnight!
So funny to me that I tend to do stuff on NYE like stay out and up late, that I likely will not do for the entire rest of the year. It is like some sort of wild kick start to a year that I will not have. Haha.
I love New Year’s Day and the older I get the more having no plans on this day becomes increasingly important. I find it quite critical to have this day to recharge, regroup and rest. It is like I really upped my game last night ushering 2024 out and now I need to quietly accept the true impact of the year just passed and the new year’s arrival.
In truth it is just another day. And what really matters is not sweeping change or resolutions or anything like that. What matter each day, every day, is what I do with the day I am given. I have been thinking about this a lot.
I waste a lot of time. On social media. On endless discussions about nothing of any import. Dating apps. My inventory of 2024’s behavior resulted in me seeing that I have a lot of time that I don’t know what to do with so I spend it recklessly as if there will always be an endless supply.
It has come to my attention that I am frequently not at the center of my own life. You, or them, or work, or kids tend to divert my attention away from me and onto other things. It isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but I have had to take a good hard look at what it is doing to me and my relationship with myself.
I think I have just defaulted to this position because I am not sure that I ever had the self love and care and concern for myself. I was codependent and the best use of my time and energy was attempting to manage you so that I felt ok. I think I spent most of 2024 really looking at this trait of mine. Not because I wanted to, but because it just kept showing up in all areas of my life. And it was hurting me and others.
So I will own on this very first day of 2025, I have used you to entertain me and also to distract me with you and your problems so that I do not have to deal with my own. And I want to change this up in 2025. I want to own my own life and experience and issues and be present for me because I am pretty sure that is the only way I am ever going to be present for you!
2025 may bring lots of things...and for the most part, I am open to it all. I know there will be some good, some bad and a lot of stuff that isn’t really either, just life being lifey and whatnot.
So I am left wondering what I can bring to 2025? I will have 30 years of sobriety this year if I make it until March 22. 30 years! Seems like something to be proud of...and amazed by.
I guess the thing I want most to bring to 2025 is a fearlessness to walk into myself. To move towards this inner life that I so frequently avoid. To move towards this inner knowledge and spirit that have always been here and that I have, for reasons not quite clear to me, studiously avoided.
So in this first beginning morning of 2025, I hope with all that I am that I bring to 2025 the best, most resilient, most present and hopeful version of me. Willing to leave all that I think I know, that I thought I knew behind, trading in that old life that served me well but not completely, trade that in for this new life, this more awake life that absolutely will require and ask things of me that I am terrified to give, even to myself.
I pray that you bring your best, most authentic self to 2025 and I hope she returns in kind. It is our year, but only if we do the hard things within ourselves to get out of our own way and make the tiny, incremental changes asked of us and for us every single day. 2025 has just dawned but the ask, the ask has always been the same...
“I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
Mary Oliver - A Summer Day
What 2025 may bring really, completely depends upon what we bring...
Again...still.
Always...
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