It looks different every day. I mean, sort of. What I need in a day to take care of myself changes. Right now, I am in this place where everything feels hard. Getting up feels hard. Working feels hard. Resting feels hard. Doing just basic things is for some reason, extremely hard right now. I think it is grief...but I am not really sure. I just don’t feel like doing much of anything. I mean, that kind of sounds like depression...but I am not sure about that either.
My neck still hurts and now I have a cold. And that has just taken the wind out of my sails. I am stalled out and drifting.
All of my usual self care routines are similarly failing (can’t go to the gym every day because I can’t do upper body, I can’t go for a long walk because I am tired and I cough), can’t take a nap because work is way too busy. And I am not really even sure what I need right now.
What I do know is that my well being is well, being difficult at the moment. Sometimes I know exactly what I need, and other times, I just haven’t a clue. I have a tendency to rest when I should work, work when I should rest. And honestly taking a sick day and staying in bed makes me depressed so while I am taking care of my body, I am torturing my mind.
So being well and well being is something that comes a little hard for some of us. Maybe it is the pending election, maybe this malaise I feel is because it feels like our entire world is about to either be saved or offed for good. If he gets re-elected (I can’t believe I have to say re) I seriously don’t know what I am going to do. I cannot listen to him. I cannot watch him. I cannot deal with the hell he is going to bring to so many people in this world. I feel such a sense of despondency about the state of our nation. The cruelty, the judgment, the hurtful and hatefulness of our society today.
Maybe I am depressed. Fuck, I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am having trouble with my own well being. I feel stalled, halted, stymied and lost. I know all of these things will resolve, it is just hard living with them every day for now. I do not like negativity or being down. And I feel a lot of both if I am being honest.
How could I love him? How could I pour so much of myself into that relationship that was a total sham? How could I have let him treat me that way? What the actual fuck?
Why don’t I feel better? What the fuck is wrong with my neck? When will this fucking cold end?
Emotional pain married to physical pain is not a good combo for me. Like at all.
I know my actual and fundamental well being is fine. I am ok. I am here, living my life, even though I am not enjoying it all that much right now. I am still here, still living and I know the enjoyment will return. My neck will settle, my health will improve and my heart will heal. It is just going to take some time.
Well, being is like that I guess.
Being well takes time. Being well enough, being ok, feeling safe, acknowledging that things are other than how you might like them to be...that is a hard road.
Sometimes well being is just the simple act of getting up every day and grinding it out. Sometimes it is checking the “um, not today” box. Either extreme and everything in between can be well being. Right now I would really like to go back to bed. But I am up because I have a hellacious day with way too much to do. So that is just the way today is gonna go. The amount of work I would have to do to cancel it all is likely more work than actually doing the work. So I will persevere...
Being well in spite of all the outside shit is trying. And sometimes I do that better than others. Today is just gonna be one of those days. I am up, drinking my coffee, dropping my tenuous grasp on reality right here, and then I am going to get on with it.
Sending love to all of you who are struggling too. It is not easy this whole living of life, and being well and well being is often way harder than it should be. On days like this I cling to the idea that everything passes away. Even days and times that feel interminable. Even Thursdays with way too much on your plate!
We got this, no really we do!
I mean, I think we do.
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