I woke up this morning thinking about warning labels. Like if I had one, what would it say? What would people need to know before opening my particular container?
I think it would be helpful for people to have warning labels, save us all some time and heartache. I guess people kind of do...they have their behavior and attitude which is really quite a good exemplar of their overall being, we just fail to take note, just like we do most warning labels...
Truth is that if we want something badly enough, we really don’t care about the known or the unknown consequences...we just don’t. We take medications and alcohol and vapes and cigarettes and overly processed foods, we take all that shit and ingest it in ways that should really concern us. And it does in a virtue signaling kind of way. But it doesn’t stop us. We eat the fast food, down the diet soda, smoke our brains out and throw toxic chemicals into our lives and bodies mostly without a thought. Or if we have a thought, it is a reason why we are the exception or that thing will not maim us. People really are incredibly stupid...myself included.
So, not that anyone will read it or heed it, but here is my warning label should you be so inclined...
Caution - Warning - Erin is all of this:
A drunk - but recovering on daily basis.
I tend to do everything alcoholically - I have two speeds, idle and full throttle. This will be as fun as it is trying for you in living with me.
I collect cats alcoholically - this will likely not be fun for you at all. It will often seem like I love them more than you. On any given day, it will be them, then you.
I am codependent and lack appropriate boundaries - which at first will seem like a great thing for you - but sooner or later I do wise up and check the flow of energy - and when I find it grossly lacking on your part I will be gone, like in a hurry.
I love with an intensity and ferocity. I love all things this way. It is wonderful and overwhelming, be prepared.
I am very OCD about cleanliness, order and my home. If you mess it up, you will feel my wrath and that is unpleasant to put it mildly.
If you ever leave dirty dishes in the sink, I am likely to come unhinged temporarily. I will apologize later.
Even though I vacuum twice daily, there is still fur all over my house. I will expect you to help me clean it up.
I am A C T I V E! In all the ways, all the time unless I am sick or sleeping. Or depressed - that doesn’t happen very often but it can and will at some point. I will be hard to keep up with. Physical labor and sex help to mellow me out.
I spend money recklessly and like there is a never ending supply. I let the shopping unfurl, then I reel it in. Despite this fact, I have zero credit card debt. I know, I am an enigma.
I love to travel and will not sit still well. There is too much to see and do and I love a road trip and adventure. I must have them to feel like I am alive and living. I will welcome you to join but will still need time to myself.
Speaking of that, I need a lot of alone time. I need my writing time in the morning and I need time to think, meditate and reflect. The good news is that if I am smitten with you, this will benefit you greatly because I will spend the majority of my time alone thinking about you and ways to make you happy.
I cannot and will not date a Trumper. No exceptions. This does not mean that I liberal on all things, just most of them. I feel like I do not have a party in today's political climate, that being said I will vote a democratic ticket.
I love dancing and reading and hiking and camping. I will want to do all of these things in one weekend. And I will expect you to be as excited about it as I am.
I cannot not rescue a vulnerable being. I can’t not do it, so don’t ask me to change. I can’t. I won’t. This will benefit you too when you are sick, weak or vulnerable. I will protect you and care for you in all the best ways.
I am sarcastic and funny. I will make you laugh, sometimes so hard you will pee yourself. It will be worth the embarrassment.
I need a lot of freedom. This does not mean that I will cheat. You don’t have to worry about that. I will not do it, I am loyal to a fault unless you are playing fast and loose with fidelity then I will consider it open season on the whole monogamy thing, I may or may not tell you I am doing this...so be careful what example you set.
I tend to keep my feelings to myself. This is dishonest. I know this. I am working on it. If I don't feel safe, I will lie. Again, I am working on it.
I spend a lot of money on my hair. This will not change. Don’t try.
I will want to go to every concert and live music show in the area. I will want to road trip to other venues. I will want this more than I can afford or have the energy for. I always want to do things at 8 am that I do not have the inclination for still at 8 pm.
I want to go to bed early and rise early. I will expect you to join me, most of the time.
I will want you to have your own life. Your own friends, and interests. I will want you to teach me things but I will want you to keep what you need/want to yourself. Because I will need to do that too. There are just some things I will want to keep just for me.
I will expect you to love Thanksgiving as much as I do. I will want you to help me decorate, cook and clean.
I will want you to read this blog and talk to me about it.
I will want to read the same books and then talk about them.
I will buy you way too many things for your birthday and Christmas and hell because it is Tuesday or you had a long week. This is just how I am. I don’t expect you to be that way too but I will want you to understand that if you don’t reciprocate, I will feel like you love me less.
I buy myself flowers every week. If you are with me, I will want you to do that for me.
I love my kids and I will love your kids. They will all be a part of our daily life. However, I will want our relationship to be primary, we as a couple come first, then the kids. This is not to say that I must be the most important thing in your life every single moment, every single time. But our relationship should be the foundation upon which we build and maintain everything else. I will want you to have your own relationship with your kids. I do not want to be the go between. That is toxic and unhealthy for all involved.
I will want to dance in the kitchen in a euphoric stupor. I will expect you to join me and enjoy it as much as I do. I will want you to initiate.
I will drive you nuts with my planning and my lack of planning. It is a crap shoot which end of that particular spectrum I am on on any given day.
I love football and will want to spend Saturdays and Sundays watching in the Fall - but unless the weather sucks, I will still want to go to the gym and on a hike. I will expect cuddling and eating to be a part of this whole endeavor.
I will want you to cook and me to clean.
I love sporting events but I will not ever remember players names or stats. This will frustrate you at some point because I truly do not care. You can care for both of us and I will act like and actually be amazed every time you tell me something because it literally will be like the first time you told me, every single time. This will get annoying.
Speaking of remembering, I will remember things that are wholly unimportant, and forget things that are. This will also drive you mad.
I think sex is an event - sometimes it is supposed to be a quick thing, but it is also supposed to be an all night thing too. It is the part of a relationship that separates it from every other kind of relationship, so it is important to attend to it and nurture it. It will require vulnerability and I am not the best at it. I will need help.
I have ADD it is not medicated or controlled. Be prepared for rapidly changing topics that are then left to dangle in space and time forever...or until I remember and pick them back up again randomly.
I take forever to tell stories. They will be detailed and long and have information that is not vital to anyone but me. I don’t know why you need to know the couch is green, but you will know it is green every single fucking time.
I am not a good direction giver or receiver. I tend not to listen and talk way too much.
I cannot pass a bookstore or antique store. I will likely buy something every single time.
I am not sure I ever want to live with you. We can talk but we might need to have separate bedrooms. Again, we can talk.
I might ask random people to move in with me, sometime this will be a great idea, sometimes it will not. I will do my best to include you in this process if you live here, but that is not always a guarantee. I am impulsive and often fail to think things all the way through.
I will bring home wild animals from hiking who are injured or young. You cannot stop me and if you try, I will leave you eventually.
I am a control freak. But I am working on it.
I have a traumatic past that I am going to be healing for the rest of my life. I know this and I won't ever think the amount of healing I have done is enough. I will expect you to tackle your shit in a similar fashion. If you aren't willing to do that, this will never work.
I love the sun and the beach and getting tan. I will want you to want these things too. It is ok if you don’t, just know that I will still want you to want them.
I do not want to learn to surf but I will sit and watch you do that happily all day any day. I will not make you hurry. I will be just fine sitting on the beach while you do your thing for as long as you like. I will not ever ask you to change this.
I love the outdoors but am also a homebody. This infuriates me and it will you too because I always want to be both places simultaneously.
I pay way too much attention to my phone, I will want you to distract me from this bad habit.
I will get lost in you if you let me. I am doing better about maintaining my center, but I will need you to not take advantage of that.
I argue like a lawyer. I am good at it and I will cross examine you. It isn't fun. You will not like it and I am not sure how great I will be in stopping this. But if you remind me I am doing that, I will stop and apologize.
I will always own my shit, it just may take a few days sometimes.
I am a total fucking bitch when tired or hungry. You have been warned.
I use the word fuck as a noun, adjective, verb and adverb...all the fucking time.
I am not sure I ever want to get married again. But I am not sure I don't. I will want you to want to marry me and I will want to marry you, but then I am not sure I will ever want to actually do it.
I love Taylor Swift. I went to her concert. I listen to her all the time. You have to be ok with this and never say anything bad about her. I will cut you if you do. (Kidding, I have never cut anyone in my life - I just like the way it sounds - I have a tendency to be all about effect).
I go to the gym, I will want you to go with me so we can be one of those annoying gym couples. I will want that until we get there then I will want to pretend we don't know each other...
I want public displays of affection. Always. The weirder and more over the top the better. I will want you to be better at this than me.
Fuck that is a long list. And I am sure that I missed quite a few things. So I will say this is my Thursday morning warning label...
Oh, I will want to stop and take pictures of every fucking blade of grass along the way. Actually that isn’t true, I will want to take photos of mountains, sunsets, sunrises, old barns, new barns, rivers, cows, sheep, horses, dogs, cats, flowers and you. I will rarely want to be in the photo with you. I will need your help to believe I am important enough to be included.
I love to decorate and it is likely a disorder at this point. I cannot change. I will want you to want to do this with me, not just listen to me and then let me do all the work.
Ok that is all for now...um, but, this will be an evolving list. Fair warning. Apparently my warning label will need to be read like a lawyer advertisement (fast, furious and unintelligible)...how fitting!? And yes, life with me will be as random and out of order as this warning label - um, that is part of the warning!
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