I was on my first evening walk in a long time last night. Yes, I have felt that shitty that my evening walk with the dogs has been in hiatus for at least three weeks now. Last night, I finally felt like I had enough energy to do the deal. And it was a lovely evening walk. Not too hot, not too cold. It was peaceful and life affirming.
As I was walking through the meadow, I realized, I felt that sometimes after you go through some shit, you live through some hard things, it all makes sense. Last night as I was walking I caught a glimpse of what perhaps the universe is trying to show me, trying to tell me. I have felt so lost for months. Nothing really making sense to me, feeling very lost and unsure and grieving the loss of all that I thought I had, that I actually never had. It has been a rough few months for sure. Couple that with a persistent illness that never completely took me down but totally ground me out, and I can admit (now) I was foundering. Feeling very lost and unfindable.
But last night as I walked through the Eucalyptus trees, I had this moment where it all made sense. All of it. What happened, how it turned out, where I went, who I went with, who I remain with, what hurt, what didn’t. Everything just made sense. I felt this pervasive calm, this total acceptance with all that had been unearthed and all that was still somewhat fucked up. It all made sense to me and I felt like there was no more resistance to my life. I felt happy and secure and present. So very present. Awake even.
It was a lovely walk. Sometimes it seems like nothing makes sense, everything is hard and you are never, ever going to get what you want. And you struggle and strain and curse and hurt and grieve. And it is not a good time at all. But then one night you are walking your dog in a meadow on a mid-fall evening and everything you have walked through up to that point makes sense and there is no more resistance to what was, or what is or what even may be. It is all just fine, how it should be and everything you just walked through, survived suddenly and life affirmingly makes fucking sense.
I saw a couple walking by and I wanted to tell them, “Hey, guess what??? IT ALL WORKS OUT!” But I didn’t want to intrude and I also didn’t want them to think I was nuts, I am totally nuts but all the best people are. And as I lie here this morning in the dark tapping out my heart and soul, again, still, I still have this pervasive feeling of being well, of being ok with all that happens. I don’t really even have to have a way anymore, that is how much this feeling, this fundamental belief that it will all work out and be ok is right now. I know that I will likely be upset by something in about an hour, but in this moment, I feel like life makes sense, I am healed and healing, I had to walk through all that crap I just did to get to a place where I am right now. I had to have my heart wrenched, then I had to get sick so that I would slow down and be able to really feel it. I didn’t want any of that. I wanted for my heart to not be broken and to be super well and functional. But that is not what happened. And I am grateful for the trajectory that happened, and not the one that I wished quite desperately for...
Sometimes, it all works out, better than you could have expected and even when things are not resolved. I haven’t met someone else, I am not dating or falling in love, I am not totally well yet but I found some peace amidst the chaos, confusion and pain. Last night as I watched the sun bid adieu to the day, I found what I have been searching for all along...peace within me.
And it is still here this morning, I do not feel hurried or in fear. I am just trusting that whatever is supposed to be, will be. And I can like it, hate it, rail against it, or just accept it. The choice is always mine. And sometimes even after a long bout of self pity, self deprecation, self flagellation, and recrimination, you find yourself walking your dog on a lovely, warm California fall evening and you realize it was all worth it. The pain, the sorrow, the loss, the found. It was all fucking worth it. And you arrive at a new place within yourself, one that has depth and meaning in ways you can hardly describe.
And just like that you round another corner of healing, growth, and change. You arrive at a place you have never been even as you walk the same familiar ground, the newness is within you, a place you have only really dreamed about, a contentment that feels so foreign it is exciting but so earned that it feels right, and good and worth all the effort expended to get to this new place within you that no longer cries out that it is unfair, too hard, or something to be all upset about...sometimes, you are just walking your dog and you are granted access to the most precious thing one can be given in this life: acceptance of all the things, including yourself.
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