It could just be called living today, I suppose. The demands of every day life and living is way beyond human scale. I am not sure how we got here, but I am pretty sure technology had something to do with it. It is like the faster our phones and computers work, the faster we are supposed to as well. Except the machines are always going to beat us...every single fucking time.
One of the things I say most to my client is “wait!” “Do not respond for 24 hours, and if you think in 24 hours you MUST respond, wait 48.” I say this a lot. Mostly because very few people listen the first 400 times I say it. But they learn, they cannot take back that thing they just had to say because it felt good in the moment, then the judge hears about it and they lose primary custody of their kid because they could not restrain themselves in the moment. Think that is far fetched? It isn’t. I have seen text messages turn the tide of a divorce and/or custody case. As I say, it just takes one misguided, impulsive text message to ruin your life, and your divorce.
But we live our every day lives expected to put out some sort of ridiculous amount of energy. The message we get all day, every day is HURRY UP! Everything needs to be done fast and yesterday. And it is a horrible way to live. So much pressure to accomplish, to do, to excel, to engage. It is just too much. This is why I spend so much time alone, and at home. There the only one I have to fight is me. I am actually proud of myself when I forget to text someone back...I mean I feel shitty for it but on another level I am happy that I was engaged enough in what I was doing to “miss” something. Honestly, it is happening more and more as my ability to attend to all that happens in my life every single day diminishes as the demands for me to do and be more expand in some sort of exponential way seemingly on the hour.
My erotic fantasy has been revised. I no longer think of sexy lingerie and some hot dude. Now, I think of a cabin, alone on forty acres with limited cell service and wifi. I long every single day for days that stretch out endlessly. For napping. For the reading of book after book after book. For time to write when the only thing interrupting me are the animals that want a walk or to be fed. It is my new porn, this search for a place like this. Where I can be alone, quiet and still. This is my soulution to the urgency culture.
I live in a small town and while it isn’t LA, it is still too fast paced for me. I work on East Coast time, and that gets me up way too fucking early which makes me tired and have to go to bed earlier than I would like. I am not complaining I love my job and the people I work with and for. It is a good gig and I am grateful. And for the most part, most days, the pace feels manageable. But it is still too fast.
My mom has figured it out. Her life is unhurried. It is routine but filled with all the things she loves. She writes, she reads, she knits, she crochets. She talks to her cat and my dad. She takes care of my dad and the cat. She dislikes cooking but does it every single day. She likes laundry and has a set schedule upon which to do it. She has her social Fridays where she ventures out into the world to engage with friends. She talks on the phone to people she cares about daily. Her life is routine but so peaceful.
I might get there someday. Although my relaxed will never look like my mom’s relaxed. We are just very different in the level of busy engagement we need. I have always been a hard charger and while I am slowing down, it is still clipping along at a pretty fast pace.
I think this is my next rebellion. To refuse to speed up. I mean it isn’t the punk rock middle finger of my youth, but it feels pretty rebellious today. I am not going to hurry whenever I can and when someone attempts to rush me, I am going to slow down even more. Yesterday was a good example...
I had this opposing counsel who wanted something done, RIGHT FUCKING THEN. And he kept calling me all day to discuss things that could have been handled in an email. I didn’t answer. I just let him call and I got back to him when I was ready to discuss things. And the progress for me was that I wasn’t a jangled bundle of nerves like I would have been in the past. I am not sure where I thought it was my job to immediately address everyone’s needs around me, whether this was a self appointed position, or whether I just defaulted there as an anxiety management strategy. Regardless, I have operated the bulk of my life like a short order cook in a busy diner that gets no breaks between the breakfast, lunch and dinner crowds. And it is exhausting. And it does lasting damage to my nervous system.
I shall NOT be ruled by the weird, varied and often unreasonable expectation of others. I shall not. You can make your demands, insistences and requests...and me and my calm, non-reactive nervous system will get them handled as quickly as we can, while ensuring we are not all that quick about them.
I think the thing I miss most about this age we live in is time. When I was a kid, I can remember people coming over for hours and just sitting around talking (and drinking...I guess that was probably a huge part of it). My growing up was boring and I really miss that. I miss the boredom of the 70s...I am pretty sure not everyone did not which is why we got the 80s. Nothing was relaxed or calm or serene. We lived with the daily fear of nuclear war and I will tell you that is not a fun way to live.
I know it is alway something. Every generation has its thing, likely many things that make the psychosis of that generation acute. And for me, this time we live in is so mired in the urgency culture, that it is making life not so much fun to live.
I want to slow it all down and spend time doing nothing, often alone but with others too. When was the last time you had someone over to hang out? I mean like do nothing, just hang out? No movie plans, no nothing planned. My entire childhood was like “hey do you want to come over?” And the response was always “sure, be there in a few.” We didn’t ask if we were going to be entertained or what was the agenda for the meet up. We just were unspecific in the hang. And I really fucking miss that.
So my next rebellion has already started - I am slowing shit down. I am slowing me down. So if I don’t get back to you right away, instead of being insulted, know that I am resting, relaxing and enjoying the living of my life. You are important to me and your reach out will be returned but not at the expense of my mental health or my nervous system. I am refusing the urgency culture and developing a counter culture...I am calling it the lackadaisical culture...join us, I mean, when you feel like you have the time and inclination, there is no rush! We will be over here doing less, relaxing more, connecting more deeply and refusing to be rushed into psychosis.
Or we might be napping...this rebellion will be exciting like that...
What are you waiting for?
Haha, you are waiting for 24 or 48 hours if you listen to me. So join us then, we will still be here doing as little as possible.
Again...still.
Fuck YEAH!
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