I didn’t write for two days. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal but it was for me. It was hard and I have felt out of sorts for the past two days skipping over this whole writing thing I do every morning. My work day has started earlier than the usual 6 am. The last two days I have been up at 4 and working by 4:15. Big domestic violence case that didn’t have a lot of time for preparation.
I intended to write later in the day but unfortunately I still feel like shit so that didn’t happen.
I can’t describe what not writing feels like except to say that I do not feel like myself. All day, every day when I don’t write. I have become flexible enough that on the rare occasion I cannot start the day with words and typing, I can let that go. But two days in a row? That has been a harder issue.
A lot happened in the last two days. Work was insane. Whatever dreaded disease I have right now, relapsed and has left me feeling like I will actually die of coughing. Like it could happen at any moment. I don’t think anyone has ever died of coughing, perhaps just felt like they would. Which is me, that is me right now.
Also, on Monday, someone left a 4 week old kitten on my doorstep in an Amazon box. He is tiny and sweet and of course he is staying. I mean, why stop now? Crazy cat lady is a joke for a reason. I always thought it was completely an intention, but once you become part of the cat distribution system, you are in for life. I thought this was something you signed up for but apparently, anyone can sign you up kind of like a magazine subscription in the 1980s. I remember someone once sent me a subscription to a baby magazine and a diaper service. Still don’t know who that fucker was...and no, I was not pregnant or even scared that I was. Just a funny joke.
Now I think I have inadvertently been signed up for multiple subscriptions in the cat distribution system. Because I am pretty sure I have accumulated two new cats in the last two months. I am sure I have a stopping place, and that number will seem crazy even to me, but I also fear that number will really resemble what most people call hoarding.
So I am sick. Work is nuts. I have a new tiny kitten I am feeding every few hours. My daughter is sick. I am trying to rent my rental and I just don’t feel like myself. And not writing for two days has left me feeling even more off kilter and isolated.
It has been a moment since just doing my regular life got so hard. I am not sure what the universe is trying to teach me, to slow down? Say no? Rest more and work out less? I am not really sure but I feel like I am functioning at a below functional level. I keep falling further behind and the need to catch up and really grind is upon me.
Today I have a bit of a respite. Today I don’t have a full calendar or a woman that needs a protective order in order to keep her from being killed. It is a slower day, I hope. One where I can balance rest, and something other than coughing.
I am not sure I have been where I am before. I have definitely felt overwhelmed before and have been sick before. But I don’t think I have felt so far behind and off my course. It is not a fun feeling and I really, really wish I would feel better so I could go back to being the functional person I used to be.
In the meantime, I am snuggling with Gatsby (that is the new kitten’s name) and attempting to enjoy the down time. I took a nap yesterday and for anyone that knows me that is a rare and almost shocking thing.
I didn’t mean to take off two days from writing but it happened anyway. And the older I get, the less I feel I am able to regroup on the fly. If something in my life doesn’t occur in its allotted window of possibility, then it is likely not going to happen. Like right now, me doing anything after 2 pm pst, is a complete crapshoot.
I know I will feel better and this is just temporary. But it sucks and I hate it. Not writing, even when it isn’t good and is just drivel, like today, is how I claim myself. Writing it all out, is how I figure out how I feel, what I think and who I am. Perhaps other better adjusted people can deploy less stringent measures, but me, I need this daily writing practice to give my life structure, peace and insight. Without it, I am just fucked.
Again, still.
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