Turmoil

Such a funny word. Yet, I kind of like it...the word, not the experience. Haven’t we all had enough turmoil lately?

I have. For sure.

Today was another one of those turmoil riddled days in what seems like a year of them. I find myself wondering how I so deluded myself in the months of January and February of this year...completely out of touch with reality...or at least the reality that I was perceiving.

I seem to find my share of it...turmoil. Someone said to me the other day that I was swimming in it. It wasn’t untrue as we tried to leave the house while the dog attempted to prevent our exit with a whole wild display of craziness. Perhaps he was right, my life is mired in turmoil.

I swear that I really seek and want peace. My idea of a good time is to read, write, hike, go to the beach. That is my happy place. Where I feel serene and stable and safe. Three things that I crave more than anything else in this world. The ability to exist within my own head and feel some semblance of safety, stability and serenity.

Perhaps the turmoil gives me perspective. Perhaps without it I would not be so keen to make the serenity, safety and stability a priority. Perhaps I would take those things for granted, in a life blessed with all of them in spades.

Today was another day that seemed to be going well until it wasn’t. As usual, it was not my drama that engulfed me. It was other’s proximity to me that caused me to become inflamed. But this time, I refused to become unmoored from my commitment to balance. It didn’t matter that my son lied to me, or that his ex- friend was stalking me outside my home, or that the police had to come to remove said ex-friend from my front yard. I handled it all with a calmness and grace that is clearly other worldly.

I think this year has shaved off some of my pointier parts. Giving me so much to handle all at once that I have lost the freak out. I have lost the panic mode. It seems like shit keeps happening and I have been given this gift of stride. Just taking it all in and really kind of believing that it isn’t really all that big a deal. No need for panic. No need for emotional spins drain-ward. I am seemingly delivered to the other side of the crisis almost immediately while given the perseverance to just plod on through.

I am grateful for this turmoil laden year. It has inured me, strengthened me and calloused me in ways that I needed. I am not jaded. I am just so tired of the bottom falling out that I have stopped waiting for it to happen. So when it does, I am kind of relieved...like “oh, there it is, bottom falling out time of the day, right oh, now I can get on with the rest of my day!”

2020 has been a shitshow on so very many levels but it has given me some pretty amazing gifts, not the least of which is the ability to just let it all unfold. To stop trying to move the river or force or push. This year has taught me that I am just this tiny, relatively insignificant part in a much, much larger world. I can have impact and definitely have a role to play. But I am not a leading character except in my own life and mind.

Turmoil seems to be there to show me how very much to appreciate those moments sublime when I am content, things are peaceful and all is ok despite the fact that it may not look exactly the way that I want it to.

Life moves quickly. And I am mired and surrounded by dramatic people doing dramatic things often...and I seem to like it that way. Well, at least I used to. My tolerance for the turmoil and shitshow, waning quicker than the days float by. However, I do feel a growing appreciation for the moments that the turmoil takes center stage and commands my full attention...because if it is here, then it is likely on its way out.

Tonights drama, police involvement and crisis all showed me that I am actually doing quite well. Someone can lob an emotional Molotov cocktail into the sanctuary of my home and personage and I can handle it with aplomb and discernment...barely flinching. Or this could be the most recent evidence that I am becoming completely inured to the strife and trouble that is part and parcel to life.

Either way, I am getting a lot of practice dealing with turmoil...and that has given me a great deal of gratitude and peace despite the hard circumstances. Hardship as the pathway to peace...is so not how I thought you got to safety, serenity and stability...but I am learning, ever so slowly, that those later three only come when one has been through the fire and learns how to walk through the fire to get to the other side.