Have you ever really tried that...in your life? It is hard. It is almost like I set myself up, as soon as the thought enters my mind, “don’t complain” that my whole being decides the only thing to do is complain!
I am not sure why I have such an aversion to complaining. I mean, people do it, it is how we identify things that are wrong. Sometimes you can’t hear it until you actually hear yourself saying the same fucking thing...again!
But having said that, I also know that sometimes the complaining becomes some sort of fucked up reward/punishment delivery system. Something in my life is hurting me, or vexing me or disturbing me and instead of taking action that will be productive to moving through the particular ordeal, I waste all my energy on being mired in the discomfort.
I also think that resistance to complaining is also a trauma response. Like you aren’t allowed to say something hurts, is uncomfortable, you don’t like it or you want it to stop. For many of us, we said all of the above before and it changed nothing. In fact, the complaining may have made it worse.
Today’s issue I am trying hard not to complain about is my neck. I did something to it and now it is totally jacked and I am in agony. Like no relief kind of pain. And I am not very good at managing that kind of pain. I tend to be a bitch and angry and hostile or I just go within and attempt to mentally wrangle the pain down in some sort of internal full nelson of my mind. Neither strategy is particularly effective....but they are all I have.
My mom, and her wisdom, suggested I try to send it loving kindness. To stop fighting with it and instead attempt to relax into it. But this goes against every fiber of my being. Like every single part of me is all about resistance and that leaves nothing left for loving kindness. I know that I need to make a shift but that is kind of like being asked to like someone who just did you really wrong. You are still smarting from the slight and now you are supposed to find a way to be nice. This is harder for some of us than others...
But I am working on the loving kindness towards my now completely immobilized neck but I have to admit, it isn’t going well. I try to be loving and it comes out like this, “ok, neck, I see you are hurting...you fucking piece of shit!” Ok, let me begin again, “neck, you are in pain...and that is really fucking inconvenient for me!” I am trying but success feels out of reach if I am honest.
I know that being open to coming to know the pain better is an access point for accelerated spiritual growth. I know this! But today, I do not want to do it. I want to be rid of the pain and get on with my life. I do not like the way I am feeling and so I want to change it, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
But I can’t. I have done the chiropractor. I have taken ibuprofen. I have heated it and iced it. I have tried to pray for it and bathe it in loving kindness and so far none of it has helped really at all. I am not sure how I am going to work today as it is painful to sit up. I have sooo much to do at work and a day lying prone on my bed feels like a set back that is only going to place me farther behind.
So I bring it all here. It is the only place I know to take it. I hope that putting this out here I relieve myself of the feeling that telling everyone I talk to today how much pain I am in. I do not like being THAT person. There I nothing anyone can do for me, so why even bring it up?
In truth, I am in this place a great deal of the time. In pain, whether it be physical, psychological or emotional and I honestly have no idea what to do with it. I know that sitting in isn’t helpful. I know that no one else can really help. And I will be the first to own, I do not know how to go to others for comfort. That is so foreign. And at the end, all my complaining feels like a bid for attention that even if I get it I don’t know what to fucking do with it.
So today, I remained boxed up by my own internal issues and struggles. I see them. I see how they chain me down and break bonds that are there for me to rely upon. However, in moments like this where pain abounds, all I know to do is shut down. Close off and attempt to make sense of stuff that I do not understand or know how to resolve.
I do know resistance makes it harder so I am trying not to resist. And I know that complaining doesn’t really help do anything except make me feel more stuck and sad. Sometimes, we just have to accept that we are in a difficult place, that will eventually pass, we just do not get to know when that will happen. And so in the middle of hardship, plagued with uncertainty, perhaps being loving and kind is the best thing to do. That and lying prone on my bed, neck in a neutral position.
I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this before so I will say it now...I do not like prone position...for a variety of reasons. But for reasons I do not understand and cannot fathom from my current place in life, this is where I am. And I know that I do feel better when I accept and stop railing against the status quo. Peace, and hopefully relief, seem to always come to me in the act of surrender.
Again, still.
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