Triggers...

“Be grateful for them, they show you where you are not free.”

Unknown

Fuck someone sent this to me yesterday and it landed like a nail between the eyes. I have been so caught in a whole mess of triggered responses and so unfree. So fucking unfree.

So concerned lately with what others think. Spiraling in some sort of misguided delusion that if I just find a way to explain myself that I can right everyone’s opinion about me, and this has taken up way more head space than I really want to admit. Like a lot. For days.

I think I am finally rounding the corner to freedom though. I have been triggered and I have arrived at the place where I am happy about all the shit that has been churned up lately. It has definitely shown me where I am bound, chained and so incredibly not free.

All this neurotic bullshit has been like bricks in the dryer of my head. Smashing around, leaving me with dis-ease and a very loud and clunky mind. Yesterday I finally got some relief. And it came not with the above quote, that instead, landed as confirmation of what began earlier in the day. The relief came when I saw that I was feeling the way that I do because of all the changes in my life. It has left me with this pervasive, albeit until yesterday un-named, feeling of incompetence. And I don’t do incompetence.

Now that is not really true. Me, like everyone else on the planet is not above or immune to feeling incompetent, and well, actually being incompetent. And right now, as I make this rather drastic career change, I am, in fact incompetent.

And that is all I have been able to feel the last few weeks. All the ways that I am fucking things up, not knowing what I am doing. I saw it as this massive incompetent tide that only removed things from my shores, reminding me daily of all that I lacked.

But yesterday I started seeing that the tide also brings things in. And slowly, day after day, I am gaining skills. And I am moving more toward competence. I only saw it as lack, and in so doing failed to see the gains that are arriving daily.

Having this going on while having a friendship took a turn I didn’t expect, a new relationship cropping up quite unexpectedly, having to send my son away again, while also attempting to help my daughter navigate 15, while my dad’s health slips further away from us has been hard. And I have not handled it so well.

That is actually not right, I have handled it as best I can. And the last week has resulted in me being a neurotic mess! Like crazy. And it all resulted and springboarded from my feeling of incompetence with my career. Such an important thing, with so much attendant insecurity.

I have been triggered the past few weeks, and it has really been kicking my ass. Like a lot. But yesterday, I saw this in a new light, and was immediately grateful to seeing how unfree I truly was. And like so much of my growth, I didn’t see it until I just saw it yesterday.

I am gaining competence at my job. And if it isn’t fast enough for my employer, well, maybe it won’t work out for me. (Now I actually aired my feelings with my supervisor yesterday and she said I am doing great...so I am wrong again!)

The friend seems to have left the friendship and that is ok. While I do not understand why, I have accepted it. And I wish her nothing but the best. I am not angry or really even hurt anymore, just trust that she is doing what is best for her, and my HP is looking out for me also. I am reminded that there have been a lot of things removed from my life, that I didn’t think needed to be removed at the time. Later, I was to find out just what a gift that was...

The new relationship is awesome and while that makes me incredibly nervous. I am happy and I am going to try to get out of my way and enjoy it.

My son is doing GREAT! He looks healthy, happy and so very handsome. And he is smiling and seems comfortable in his own skin. What more could I ask for really? He is not fucking up his life currently. Thank God and Sean!

My daughter is doing the best she can and I am here every day (thanks to my new job that allows me to work from home) to be here to support her and perceive all that she tries to bury. I am here. Present and that has to count for something.

Watching my mom care for my dad has brought me to tears and also given me such hope. He slips further from us daily, losing more words, and retreating father into himself. Which is somewhat ironic because I have felt for the whole of my life that he has always been out of reach. And now he truly is, and I see how much I missed by holding that opinion earlier in my life. I am grateful to be close by. And for neither of them to be suffering too much.

Like always, my life is a beautiful shitshow of fantastical craziness. And I can see (thank you triggers) how unfree I have been lately. Caught up in fear and delusion and my own stubborn refusal to enjoy this amazing life because I am so worried that you will misperceive me.

Today, where I am, is that of course you will. And I will misperceive you as well. That is just how it goes. You might say that I am a mess, not acting my age, should know better and you will be right. And you might also say that I have my shit together, I manage quite a lot, actually pretty well and that I do know better, and you will also be right.

So after all my triggered spiraling, I have arrived at the place that I visit all too rarely...peaceful abiding with myself, my real self who is insecure, neurotic, scared and so very unclear if what I am bringing to the table of my life is ever going to be enough. But today, at least for this moment, I am happy. I am ok not having it all figured out. I am grateful to my triggers for showing me just how much lack of freedom I am willing to live with, over a period of time. And I am most grateful to be today landed in a place where I pick getting free over everything else.

God has this. And I can relax and just enjoy the moment. I can choose to just live this life, this crazy mixed up life that seemingly makes so little sense sometimes and trust that there is always a plan, and that plan, is always better than my plan. God is good. And so is my life and so am I even though I lack competence and do not have this all figured out.

Today, I can say, “judge away!” Because I have found freedom and what you think or say cannot hurt me today. I love me, even with all the above is swirling in my head and heart. I know that I am doing my best to live and not hurt myself and others one moment at a time.