I never wanted to get married. I am not sure why I did. I hate to admit that I wanted what I saw others having. I wanted it not because I, in fact, wanted it, but more because I didn’t want to be left out of the whole experience. I wanted what I saw other people having, until I had it, then I almost immediately wanted to be free again.
I did feel like that wild mustang who had been lassoed. Except it was my own lasso that ensnared me. The lasso was a whole host of dreams, aspirations, ideas, and beliefs that were not my own. They were co-opted from others. Adopted as mine because I was too afraid to own my own. I began my own journey...but then I derailed it because doing what I saw everyone else doing seemed easier, it wasn’t. I thought it would feel good once I got it, it didn’t. I felt immediately trapped, and looking for open Prarie to run to.
Ultimately I did run. As far as I could which was back to California. And it was there I finally did the work required, asked of me all along. It was there I healed the traumas that made me too afraid to claim my own path. It was there I shed the conventions that were never mine. It was there, I found the courage to be who I am, no exceptions, no excuses. Well, at least that is what I tell myself. In this regard, I am pretty sure the healing is ongoing...and I will never, ever be truly done.
Now I wish I could tell you I got here quickly and without pain. Turns out it is hard to give up the dreams of others. Because you have to heal that part of you that doesn’t want to stand outside the circle. You have to heal the person inside you that would rather just do what everyone else is doing rather than blaze your own trail. Trailblazing is hard work, as I have found out. But as is the case in my life most often, sucking up and shutting down, while it feels like the easier move in the beginning, always turns into quite the hard ask later on. I am not sure if I would have ever gotten where I am without all my mistakes and failures. So I have become grateful for them too.
While far from perfect, I no longer tread on the periphery of freedom. No, I have turned myself out into the grand pasture of life and am free to roam about as I please. And while, yes, it can be lonely at times, it has never been as lonely as some of the other choices I made along the way. I learned that when feeling lonely, I would rather be alone then feeling empty and vacant while lying beside someone who is supposed to love me, care for me, and adore me. If you have ever lain in a bed as a couple and felt utterly and completely alone, you too know of what I speak. I am not sure there is a worse feeling...wait, I know there are worse feelings but this one is definitely in the top five.
I don’t think I am cut out for married life. I have too much will and use it poorly a great deal of the time. And I have been on my own, doing my own thing, solo for most of my life. My forays into relationshiping fleeting, brief and ill advised. Even in my marriage where I felt so very alone and lonely, I operated frequently as a solo adventurer which was neither fair nor equitable to my former spouse. And I don’t mean in a fidelity way. I did not cheat, but I wanted to...mostly I spent the time married trying to get away from the all the intimacy I signed up for in the first place. I couldn’t do it. I felt like a caged animal, always trying to flee. All I can humbly say is “I am truly sorry, I didn’t know either...”
But today I do. I will be the one to ride my own wild horses. Free ranging it as often as I can. Perhaps searching forever for that person who can respect the amount of freedom I need and want, while being content to just wait for me to circle back. I am not sure that person exists, and that is ok too.
I am also equally unsure I will ever stop looking. The need to believe this type of love I seek is available to me too, pervasive, alluring and ever present. Is it just that I choose poorly? Or is it I am just destined to walk the earth, searching but never finding? Or has the lesson been all along for me to blaze this life trail and be content in and of myself, nothing added or subtracted?
I guess that is what lifetimes are all about...giving us the seasons of our discontent, our elation, our disappointment and our faith. We shall always, always tread on the verge of freedom, some of us crossing the line happily, while others still forever roam the earth in an almost comfortable solitude that is as comforting as it is uncomfortable...
Again, still...
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