This was the mantra repeated to me yesterday in this purification ceremony I did here in Bali. My teacher repeated this phrase over and over and over again as he called forward all the things I would like to attract to my life and also while letting go of all the things that no longer serve me. I could not think of a better way to begin today’s post...
Today is 30 years of recovery for me. Thirty years in a row of not drinking, drugging or destroying myself in the myriad of ways that used to occupy my life every single day of living. It feels large and overwhelming. And at the very same time, I feel unworthy of the milestone achievement. Which just shows me that no matter how much time I wrack up, there will always be more work to do on Erin.
I wrote out my gratitude list this morning, as I do every morning, though this time instead of 12 things, I wrote 30 things. It wasn’t even hard. Which I know is something to be grateful for in and of itself. There are mornings where I struggle to get 12...not my best days, for sure. But even given this amazing life, this fucking incredible journey I have been blessed with, there are still times when the joy of living sober is hard to reach. But not today.
Today I feel on the verge of tears. Happy tears. Tears of gratitude and equanimity. Feeling comfortable in my skin, life being lived like a loose garment instead of the straightjacket living I used to (and still can when I get off the beam). And tears, for me, are signs of spiritual growth...meaning I am in touch with who and what I am today in a way that was unfathomable to me, really ever before. I am becoming a vessel that is capable of containing the lovely and the terrible. No longer seeking to only be happy and joyful all the time. Finding that it will not break me into a million pieces if I stop and feel the pain that is part and parcel to living, mostly especially, living sober.
And I have become my beautiful self...slowly one day at a time. With God’s grace, I have transformed all my gnarled defects into some assimilation of a functional person. Now they are mostly a collection of maladaptive strategies I pull out just to prove to myself they do not work...maybe after 40 years sober I will give up that particular fight...but I doubt it, they appear to be hard wired into the essence of my being.
I have learned my character defects are here to stay...and my spiritual program of daily living is what helps me to keep them in check and to acknowledge and deal with them when they proliferate. Because I have a program, there is something to be done with them and because I run an inventory every day of my life, I am mostly aware when I am off kilter and heading for trouble. Occasionally, I miss one and it grabs hold of me and my life and things get interesting. But I know what to do today, how to get back on course...and for 30 years now have been graced with the willingness to turn inward, towards God.
I do not want what I haven’t got...except maybe a partner. I think that is the only thing that feels lacking in my life today. And that isn’t for lack of trying, but I can see that my own issues, traumas and maladaptive ways of living have greatly impacted my ability to partner with another human being. I have struggled greatly in this area. Often retreating into self sufficiency and the idea that I do not want what I haven’t got. It is my version of whistling to myself in the dark to keep my spirits up...
This whole partnership idea has plagued me my whole life. Always trying and failing repeatedly. I have learned to be alone and be content. But I would be a liar if I didn’t own that I would give almost anything to find someone I could trust to lay my head on his chest nightly, feeling safe, loved and cared for in a way that has only been fleeting heretofore.
So to my beautiful self I say the following: you are worthy of love and a loving partner. It may not be in the cards for you, but it also may be. Let’s not waste any more time worrying about whether it is or it isn’t. Let’s instead be grateful for the wonderful sober life you have been afforded. Let’s release all the worrying, stress and wringing of hands about whether or not a loving partnership is in your future. Let’s instead place our focus on being our best, most beautiful self, seeing what you can add to your own life and the lives of those about you every day. Trusting the process and letting go of all the things you continue to think you need, which often, are the things that are not meant for you.
So on this momentous occasion, I pledge to attempt to treat myself with loving concern, that lacks grandiosity and temerity. A quiet acceptance that God’s will for me is to be sober, present and a loving force in my own life and the lives of those I come into contact with. It is acceptable to feel the pain today, in as much as it is to relish in the joy. I am so very blessed to be here, to be sober and to have this amazing life.
Thank you to each and every one of you for walking with me on this amazing journey. And to my beautiful self, keep on keeping on. You are doing great...just look how very far you have come!
Again...still.
To my beautiful self, always, with God’s grace.
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