Every morning for almost three weeks now, my early morning routine has been changed up. I now spend a good 15 minutes every morning bottle feeding this tiny kitten who arrived under suspicious circumstances in my life. It is truly a labor of love. But there is something else that has happened in the wee hours of the morning, where all the other animals are fed and watered and back to resting, I am able to just sit still in the dark and attend. To him, his needs and be present in a way that is hard for me.
I am not on my phone. I am not listening to music or an aubible. I am not endlessly scrolling Facebook or Instagram. For those 15 or so minutes, I am just there with him, feeding him and being present in my life, and his. It is wonderful, basic and life affirming.
He purrs the whole time, his thank you to me for showing up for him. He drinks the formula down and purrs at the very same time. I don’t know how he does it. I think I know why, but truly I will never know.
And these moments with this tiny kitten in the dark have taught me a great deal about the purpose and meaning of life. About how to show up for the hand life deal’s you. I didn’t want another cat, most especially one that I would have to give up sleep for, but here I am, here he is and not only are we making it work, both our lives are better for it.
In truth, we end each day this way also. Me feeding him, while he purrs his little heart out. Then he nestles down and falls asleep on my chest, his little face so close to mine, I can hear his respirations. It is magic. It has changed me. I may be crying right now.
The tenderness it takes to raise another being is immense. It breaks me and heals me always at the same time. I am the best me I ever am in moments like this: present, available, vulnerable, so full of love and loving that I cannot even contain myself. I am so overjoyed and overflowing with love that has no conditions, no self, no agenda. I am just there to love him, take care of him and help him grow into whatever he is supposed to be...we are thinking a long haired cat which I have never had before.
I didn’t know I needed this time in the dark of night and the pale morning light. I didn’t know he would heal me. I didn’t know that he would save me as I saved him. I just didn’t know I needed a tiny, irreverent feline to mend my broken heart. But I did. And he did. And here we are.
Life comes at us with so much every day. I am so glad that this coming brought slowness and peace and comfort and presence. I am so grateful to him, for him, just him all day long. I am totally head over heels in love with this little monster and that changed everything for me, and I guess also, him.
I do not know why the universe keeps bringing me cats. I truly don’t, I just know, without a doubt, it knows what it is doing because I know that I needed him, this tiny fur ball full of love and laughter and light. I needed him quite desperately.
Sometimes I think we need something new to jump start our hearts when they feel like they have stopped beating. Sometimes the only way to do that is to make you fall in love all over again, even though that is the very last thing you want to do or would do if it was up to you. I am grateful to have been broken down and open again. So very grateful for the life affirming gift that is Little Gatsby (AKA Monster). Sometimes the thing you need most is the last thing you would identify as a need or a want.
I love that the universe will always keep you guessing...
Again, still.
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