I didn’t know a week ago that he was coming. I didn’t know a week ago that I desperately needed him. I didn’t know that one tiny kitten, full of spunk and attitude and love was going to pull me out of the depression and apathy spiral I have been living in for months. I didn’t even know I was down...until he lit me up.
Now my entire world centers around him. I am absolutely, completely smitten with this kitten. He just makes me happy, all the time. I love his intelligence, his demanding nature, how he is just this tiny ball of fluff and he walks into every room like he owns it. He runs up to all the other cats expecting to be loved and adored, he can think of no other alternative to that being possible...
It has been a hard few months. I have been down physically and mentally. Surviving this last relationship and its attendant aftermath has I think cured me of ever dating again...(who knows, I am a glutton for punishment...). I have been lost and sad and alone and incredulous that something like what happened could have happened to me. It isn’t any wonder that I then got sick. For the last three weeks I have felt like shit and have this horrible cough that will not go away and has robbed me of my usual active lifestyle. Not being able to breathe is kind of a buzz kill.
I have been improving, mentally, spiritually, physically, but the progress has been s l o w...
And then this little monster arrived on my doorstep last Monday afternoon...in an Amazon box. I don’t know who left him or where the fuck he came from but I will tell you that every day since I have been elated, feeling better and feeling more positive and happy about life and my place in it. Nothing is resolved in my love life, there may never be a partner for me, and that is fine. I have made my peace with that. I am not even willing to date right now, too much healing needs to happen for me to even think of such things.
And now that I have this tiny ball of love perhaps I am good. Seriously, I am totally head over heels for this little guy. I am excited to wake up to see him and spend all day, every day thinking of him. He is still needing to be bottle fed and so there are these very tender loving moments where he and I, in the dead of night, commune in this weird mother/kitten kind of way that is unexplainable unless you have bottle fed kittens before.
I know, it is odd that my salvation and peace of mind was restored by a one pound kitten. I know, I AM the crazy cat lady. I don’t even care anymore. My numbers of felines now swelling to a male alarming 7. And who knows, there could be more kittens arriving in Amazon boxes...fair warning, I put in a Ring camera...so I will see who you are next time!
Life has taken on new meaning for me with the entry of this tiny, punk rock little dude. And I have fallen madly in love with everything about him.
Sometimes the only way to cure heartbreak and loss is to find someone else to love with all that love you used to give to someone else. To me, grief is the disengagement of love from its object, and perhaps the grief process curtails when we finally have the courage enough to love again, with our whole being, no exceptions.
I am grateful this go round it is for a kitten and not a man. Cats are inherently more reliable and loving in my experience. I am not saying that is all men, just the ones that I tend to pick.
Seriously though, I didn’t know that a tiny fluff ball could pull me out of the malaise I felt about my life and its trajectory, but here I am on this Monday morning feeling positive and full of light.
We never know what will be delivered on our doorstep. What feels like just a regular Monday can be altered and changed in an instant...and I am immensely grateful. I didn’t know I needed to be rescued by this little one, but I am sure, 100% kind of sure, that he rescued me and not the other way around.
If you need me, you are likely going to have to call me, because he and I are very busy playing with string and heating up tiny bottles of milk. And sometimes, you have no idea what you need until it lands quite literally on your front porch.
Again, still.
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