Bending is hard.
Pain radiates.
Things come and then you are forever unsure as to when they will leave...
And really all of that could be said about life.
Bending is hard. Right now it is also very painful. But in life, bending my will to higher authority is hard. Bending to allow for another’s point of view is hard. Bending in any direction is difficult and when you have sciatica, it is harder still.
Pain does radiate. I yelled at the dogs yesterday...a lot. They were just barking at the yard guys like they do every Tuesday. They were just being dogs. That is what they do. But because I was in pain, my ill temper radiated outward. This is not a new thing. Or even really a me thing. I think that it is a condition of being alive. All beings radiate out lots of different emotions when they are in pain. I have learned that sciatica is a sufficient catalyst to act like a jerk and share my foul mood with others. Pain radiates.
This current bout of sciatica came on without warning and appears to be staying awhile. And this is also a good metaphoric example in life. So many things start without warning and have staying power, and then just like that they are gone. Currently, I wish that this ailment would leave sooner rather than later. But one more time, I am not in charge of this. I can do things to make it worse, and I can do things to make it better...somewhat. In the end, it is here and will leave (hopefully) of its own accord at some point in the not so distant future.
I had a hard time yesterday not letting self pity flow in. I have been sick for fourteen days now. And still do not feel “well” and then for whatever reason, sciatica decided now would be a good time for a visit. I spent the day on the couch on a heating pad. And I felt better...until I got up and moved around then I was right back to where I started.
But as God always does, he decided that I could be of service while I sat there. And gave me someone who was trying to stop drinking. And seriously, I had nothing else to do but be there for her (well that and sit on my heating pad).
And so my time in self pity was cut short by service to others. And I am grateful. I didn’t succumb to the morass of self pity that being somewhat immobilized engenders in me. Instead, I was able to talk, text and be available to someone who is struggling. And for some time yesterday, I wasn’t thinking about myself, or my lack of wellness or this fucking sciatica. And I was immensely grateful.
Bending is hard.
Pain does radiate
Things in this life come without warning and go when they are good and ready.
What I got yesterday is that all of the above, living life on life’s terms is much harder still, when you are pouring booze all over it.
So whatever my issues today, I am sober. And I believe my health will eventually be restored and my back will stop causing me so much pain...when the time is right. In the meantime, I can do what I can to serve others. And that is always the best and most effective way for me to get out of God’s way, out of my own selfish will, and enjoy all this life that I have been blessed with.
Special shout out to my mom today on her birthday! I think I am going to be well enough to take her to dinner. Fingers crossed. She is my best example, teacher and advice giver. I love her so very much and am so grateful she is my mom!
I will carry on...less than well, with very painful sciatica but I am fucking sober and that makes all the difference!
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