Really?
Why?
Fuck!
I would like to make a complaint to the universe about this...
As much as I could write a really good rant about this...it won’t do any good because this is one of those immutable truths. I cannot begin to heal that which I will not feel.
Seems so unfair.
And I can’t even tell you why I feel that way. I just don’t want to do it, this whole feeling thing. I really, really hate it. Unless it is happy, then I am all in for as much as you can bring.
I am kind of happiness whore I guess.
I know that I cannot be happy all the time. I don't know anyone that is happy all the time so I am not sure where I got the notion that I could do it. But I have lived my life, not only like that is a distinct possibility, but like I have the power to attain it, despite all evidence to the contrary.
I have done (still do) a lot of therapy. And there is not one thing that I have gained any progress with that I didn’t first have to realize was an issue, discuss it, and then let all of that land. I think the landing is what most people call feeling. For me, it still feels like I am going to die with every single feel that comes my way.
But there has never come a time in my life (inside therapy or out) where I have been able to achieve anything close to healing that has allowed feeling to be spared. It just doesn’t seem to work that way.
I have gone to GREAT lengths to avoid even seeing issues so that I could prevent the inevitable spiraling of what comes next. If I don’t acknowledge it happened, then it can’t get me. I have created a great deal of trauma for myself (and others) following this delusional logic.
I have recently thought that perhaps if I could let my resistance down a bit, perhaps if I felt things more readily I could avoid some of the pain that I know comes from attempting to push away the human emotions we are all gifted with...I will get back to you on this one. I am still in the trial phase of this.
Here is what I do know...
That nothing in my life that has been healed has been done without the attendant feeling. Nothing. Not one single thing.
So resistance really is futile if I want to heal. And for me, that really has been a life mission to date. I see, all too well, all the places I am broken, I am misaligned, I am scared to the point of dysfunctional behavior. I sometimes wish I didn’t see it, but I do. I fucking do.
I am not claiming that I see all because that would fail to explain some of my more recent selfish behavior. I really didn’t see it but I do now.
Life is hard and complicated and sometimes (for many of us) traumatic. My experience has been that it is easier to move on with life, negating trauma and its affects as best I can, until I couldn’t do that anymore. Some people are capable of doing that the whole of their lives. I am not one of those. I see that which is causing me to drink myself to death or to break me down to a human heap and I am called to action to do something about it. I can’t just destroy myself over it, I mean I have tried, but for some reason, I am still here doing the deal, attempting to live every day with the grace I have been given and doing my best to attempt to give that back.
So I am changing my attitude - I am going to embrace feeling (all of them) because if I can’t heal it without feeling it, then I might was well welcome in the feeling as the precursor to healing. The more I feel, the more I heal. Seems like a pretty good return on investment...
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