There was no rain in the forecast. None. So when I awoke from a dream this morning, where in the dream the ceiling was leaking and I felt the dribble drabs of water landing on my head and face, it came as somewhat of a shock that it was actually raining, in my tent. And the tent I pitched the night before did not have the rain cover, because rain was not forecasted. So we slept under the veil of stars, the quiet surrounding, backlit by the heavens.
It took me a few moments to gather myself from the dream sleep and to find myself where I actually was: in the Sierras, at about 7000 feet, the air cold and now increasingly wet. I had the forethought to keep the rain cover close to the tent, so I lept up, threw it over, praying while I did so that the rain would not be accompanied by wind. I thought momentarily about grabbing all the gear and heading to the car but I quickly dismissed that when I was able to bring myself back to the present moment where it was only rain. Tiny droplets of water leaving the above, bringing life with it and in so doing making my night’s sleep, interrupted.
I don’t like the thing I am about to reveal about myself...and I almost omitted it from this writing. But that would not be authentic or real. And I promised you to bring to this blog the unvarnished version of myself. So here goes...
I do not handle things getting messy well. Like at all. It engenders in me a desperation that feels life threatening when I know logically it is not. Things being out of place, things being dirty and dishelved make me feel like my world is spinning out of control. And I can usually find no peace, inner or outer, until I regain dominion over my environment. And let me be clear, there is absolutely no peace, no inner harmony until I am able to control my environment and bring back order, stability, tidiness and the delusion of control.
So when I woke at 4 am to rain sprinkling our tent with water, it was cause for alarm. My bedding would be wet. I would be wet. The dog would be wet. Everything would be a wet and muddy mess. But being out here for the last 24 hours has changed me. It has made me ok with me. It has made me fine with all my neurosis and me-ness. I am ok with me. And so I was able to calm down and just put the rain cover on and just get back in the tent and return to sleep. I cannot tell you how much of a personal triumph this was for me.
And I slept, I listened to the life giving rain and I didn’t worry about disasters, real or imagined. I didn’t worry that the river below us would rise and take us out. I didn’t worry about the mess, the dirtiness that would likely ensue. I just returned to sleep and counted my blessing for the unexpected gift of rain. And took my healing where it came, under the Sequoias, beneath a rainy sky. And for the first time in a very long time, allowed the rain to just be rain, tapping lighting on my tent cover, and trusting that there are blessings in everything...even unexpected rain showers, or freedom from neurotic well worn patterns that rob me of my ability to enjoy the unexpected, ill timed, rain shower.
I returned to slumber slightly wetter, but not all twisted up on myself about the probable mess that I would contend with later. I just allowed the world, to be its messy self, and enjoy the rain that fell lightly onto the earth, and found gratitude in my ability to enjoy an impromptu shower, instead of feeling like the arrival of rain ruined everything. Sometimes, quite often actually, in this life, we are provided the ingredients we need to grow, to change, to become. And this past weekend, my catalyst was spurred onward by the unexpected gift of rain.
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