If one took an objective view of my life, one would see that I created a great deal of suffering for myself. I have a tendency to select courses of action that are pain ridden. Men, fuck for sure I seem to pick the most pain inflicted men to love and attempt to relate to. Friendships? Yes, there too. Although there I do see some balance. Sure I have selected some pretty fucked up people to befriend...but I have also been blessed with some amazing friends that have been with me for many, many years. Decades even.
I have worked for law firms that were wholly dysfunctional albeit successful. I have chosen poorly repeatedly when it comes to many things in this life. And yet, here I am still standing and living and, if I may be so arrogant, thriving.
I think I lived in avoidance mode for, well, ever. I was always attempting to avoid pain and in so doing, created more of it. I, of course, couldn’t see that at the time. But I do now. I can see how every single one of my poor choices led me to a place for me to gain insight and understanding of others and myself. I can see that my poorer choices ultimately led me to a bottom. A place where I needed to move on from but that was never going to happen until and unless I saw that it was my actions, be they passive or more egregiously active, that caused me to reach out and pick up that which had never worked for me before...one more time.
I see now it was the pain that I needed. All of It. This most recent relational hell was also needed. I have been avoiding for a long time my actual relational capacity. Living in some sort of fantasy world where I am more capable of relating, loving and intimacy than I am actual capable of...so I selected partners that were absolutely sure to never ever challenge me in ways that I did not want to be challenged.
What I see most of all from the aftermath of the most recent debacle is that I picked it because it was familiar, it allowed me to attempt to work out my childhood shit that can never really be worked out in the way that I want it to, and because it was easy to just allow it to all unfold, feigning innocence while really all I was capable of was denial.
I see all of that now.
I guess better late than never.
It would be lovely if I could grow into a person who needs less pain in her life to learn the lessons of life. But I do not seem to be that person. I learn and grow at the speed of pain. And today as I write and reflect I can see that this is actually a blessing. I could be a person who is unwilling to learn. A person who is unwilling to reflect or even attempt to find my part. I think I have been a person who has been overly willing to claim all the parts for herself. I don’t do that anymore. I am no longer interested in helping you clean up your side of the street. Just mine, and there is quite a lot of debris over here to keep me busy for, well, at least my life time.
I see now the pain that comes into my life, whether it be self created, just regular old life pain or existential pain is all necessary to show me where the boundaries are. Pain is the signal that you are leaving a comfort zone and entering into a place of growing discomfort. And the pain meter is there to grant me access to myself.
I have needed all the pain I have endured in this life. ALL OF IT. Every single bit of it. I needed it to grow me into this most current version of myself. Without it all, I would be someone else. And perhaps you may judge that better. I would be better if I hadn’t dated him, or hadn’t quit that or was still friends with them. But I don’t. I do not want anything I haven’t got. There is nothing I have walked away from in my life that I wish I still had.
N O T H I N G and N O O N E.
Pretty bold statement. But that is what the pain I needed taught me. The people, places and things removed from me were only meant for me to teach me that which I kind of already knew but couldn’t accept. Knowledge has always come easier than acceptance for me. I know a lot of things and continue to do stupid shit regardless. Acceptance is the place where I must live. Accepting the things that are so hard to allow entrance to my consciousness. Avoidance is my most favorite coping skill. And it has set me back more in this life than anything else.
Pain, as it turns out, continues to be my greatest teacher. And if there is anything I have gotten wrong repeatedly it is this idea that in avoiding pain, I can still learn pain’s lesson. I can’t. My experience is that I have to welcome it in, fling wide the doors and grant it passage to my inner sanctum. And allow it to hollow me out and remove all that shit that I no longer need. I will never get that right on my own. I will keep the rotting remains and throw out the functional tissue and sinew every time.
Pain is life’s way of teaching you where your edges are...and perhaps where you are being a little short sighted about how you are living this amazing life. I used to spend all my time beating myself up for my failures and fuck ups. But now they are like close, old, dear friends to me. I need not avoid them because they always bring fabulous lessons that are amazing when they stop hurting.
Today is another day to live this life. I am grateful to be here. I am grateful for all the pain I needed. And I am immensely grateful that the passage of time heals me in ways nothing else can.
I do not know what happens next or how I will handle it or if I will like it or whether I will be mired in another painful session of “Wow, I should have known better...” But I can promise I am in a very teachable place right now. Open, paying attention, grateful for all the pain I need to show me where and how and when to change that which is mine to alter.
Again...still.
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