I was talking to someone I sponsor last night. I was talking about how we are saved from ourselves in that program. Most of us are literally plucked out of our self destruction and self annihilation and placed into the safety and recovery we find there. I know I was. I was just drinking myself to death in a shitty dive bar, shooting pool and throwing darts every fucking night, getting blind drunk and then getting into physical altercations. I would often throw darts at people when they angered me. I seriously do not know how I got away with half the shit I did.
Sobriety and recovery is a gift always but some of us just don’t want it. We are so married to our ideas and notions and thoughts that we think we know better. Or perhaps, in some cases, our trauma is greater than our ability to accept help. Our self loathing so great that we just cannot overcome it no matter how much others attempt to help us. We just cannot get around the fact that we feel, at our core, that we are just not worthy of salvation.
So this sponsee is in month 10 of sobriety. Not her first time around...and she is doing great. I have only known her for a few months and she has made great strides. But she still tries to figure shit out. Her head a constant and unrelenting manufacturer of great ideas, plans and schemes. Me too, sister, me fucking too! But she is seeking guidance about her plans and ideas now. Running them by someone else with perhaps more experience with such things. And then she does what is typically absolutely impossible for an addict or alcoholic, she fucking listens and then takes the action recommended.
For me this journey has been about tuning into the channel where I can hear the divinity that saved me. There were those people in early sobriety that were pivotal, foundational and life affirming. But they did not save me. No the voice that rang out in my head the day I went to program was clear, quiet and directive. And for some absolutely unknown reason...I listened. I took the action. I swear as long as I live there will never be another definition of belief for me. I heard the voice, I heeded what it said and then I took the action in furtherance of that voice’s direction. If that isn't faith in action, I don't know what is.
And I believe in the type of God or loving spirit that sits and watches us and makes decisions like “hey, that guy Tony over there, fuck we need him to sober up because we really need that guy not to waste his fucking life...so let’s give him a go!” And viola! Tony is sober and given a chance to unfuck himself.
Now, Tony has to do a lot of fucking work and he will falter until the day comes when Tony realizes that there is a higher purpose to this whole living business rather than getting your stupid fucking individual needs met. It isn’t about Tony, or me, or even you. It is about you unfucking yourself so that you can help another do the same. And that is the only real purpose. I mean you also have to get up and go to work and be a regular human, which every addict and drunk I have ever met (myself included) thinks they are above the daily grind of human existence. And trust me when I say that kills more drunks than is reasonable. And it ruins their lives because they just can’t get over their own self defined “specialness.”
Today, this God I turned my will and my life over to has rearranged me. I do not really think about myself and what I want so much anymore. I just kind of get up and do the same stupid shit I did yesterday that is steeped in program and service and it all works out. I evolve and I help others evolve. The by product, and it totally is a fucking byproduct, is that I get a good life. It is not without pain and loss and sadness and grief, but I live through those things because I have to help others learn to do the same. All experience in recovery land is vital. Because we have to go through the shit so we can help others walk through the same shit. And if we never walk through the shit, then how the fuck are we ever going to help someone else???
And this is where the new salvation army was born. We are all just God’s soldiers, marching along, serving each other and helping others learn to do the same. We are not arrogant or grand because our wretched experiences have shown us how very much it is one day at a time. The salvation only comes in this daily dose and if you try to grab a month or a year, you are in peril for losing it altogether.
So the salvation of souls is one drunk helping another so that they may keep the salvation for another day. And we are all imperfect and flawed but our supreme usefulness is only found in the darkest, most wretched parts of our souls. The value in our existence is the treacherous path we took to get to where we are right now. And our humility is required to get us to stay because our egos are large and frequently in charge and so without the humbling nature of living and loving and attempting to do it sober, we would fuck it all up just like we did before.
Recovery is the business of saving souls...not for profit or gain, but so that we may live another day ourselves. Our job, always is to clear the channel so Divinity can cut through all our bullshit and pain and trauma and egoic bullshit. Not so that we get a better life, but so that we can help others find and remain on the path. That is the highest use of life and salvation I know. God selects us, then we work hard to save ourselves and then we help others save themselves. We get to live happy, joyous and free for all our days even when the shit goes down and we get walloped good by life and all its lifeyness.
My life today is fucking amazing. I live each day in relative peace and when I get disturbed I know exactly what to do. I mean, I have steps and traditions and other people who know those things as well, and I have an outline on how to get back on the beam when I fall off. And I fall off a lot, so much so that it isn’t even a big deal anymore. I just dust myself off and begin again wherever I am. And in so doing, I show those close to me how to do it to. (And my beam I do not mean drinking or using, I mean just failing at living by the priniples I have committed my life to living).
I have the life I have today because I allowed God’s selection of me to alter the course of my life. I allowed myself to follow something I didn’t believe in and didn’t trust. I took a complete leap of faith and now get to help others do the same. It is fucking brilliant and life affirming and the best thing I have ever done. I stand shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters at arms, ringing the fucking bell, telling the good news. I never wanted to be this person, I never wanted to write shit like I just wrote, and I will own there is a part of me that is cringing as I write this...but I will also tell you that it is the most gospel fucking thing I have ever experienced.
And today I am all about saving souls...mine first and foremost so that I can, I get to help others save theirs as well. I like my job as God’s soldier. In fact, it is the best job I have ever had. And I get to do it one fucking day at a time and help others do the same. My salvation metered out in a daily dose which if taken and used appropriately, lays just another layer of foundational good living to build upon tomorrow. And of course, help others do the same.
Again...still.
So fucking grateful.
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