I heard someone say this yesterday. It stopped me in my tracks. My mind immediately seized on it and began to turn it over and over. I needed to find out if I agreed (which I felt a great deal of resistance to) or if this did not ring true for me.
After some careful and thoughtful, albeit brief introspection, I can tell you that I do believe this is true, and that is kind of disappointing. I do not want it to be true...
There is a lot of work I do not want to do. Like my job, often. Housework, often. Emotional work, never. Putting up Christmas this year, fuck no. Having hard conversations with people I love, rarely. I get a lot of pay off and affirmations of positive vibes by avoiding things. In fact, avoidance and deflection are my constant and amazing tools of stagnation. I mean, I know they don’t help me. I know that I just persist to dwell in the issue...but I also know that there is something very comfortable for me in avoiding doing the work.
The driving force is always fear. Always. Afraid I will look badly. Afraid I will not get what I want. Afraid I will get what I want and then what will I want anymore, anyway? Afraid I will lose something I already have and want to keep. Fear manifests in all the ways, all the time. And I will be honest, I am still driven by fear far more often than I would like.
Yesterday was a good example. I have a situation that I extremely fearful about. And that brings up a great deal of anxiety for me. Most of the time, I can deal with it. And I guess I did yesterday too. But it did not feel good. And fuck, I love feeling good. I want to feel good all the time and tend to view sickness or bad moods and hard times as a total downer. Like a punishment really. I can really trip about it.
I walked through my entire day feeling anxious, like a jangling nerve end that was lit up for the holidays. It did not feel good and nothing really helped. I hiked and that made it marginally better. I went to the gym, again better but not the relief I wanted. I went to a meeting, better still but still went to bed all hyped up and wired.
I do not feel this way today. So I conclude that all the work I did yesterday (talking about it, praying about it, doing some physical labor, going to a meeting) is the thing that provided me some relief this morning. I do not feel like I did yesterday which is good and a welcome improvement. I did the work I didn't want to do, and guess what today I am in the magic.
I guess if I want to access the magic all the time all I have to do is be willing to do the work I am not currently doing. And willingness is a huge part of that. I do not want to do the work I am not doing for good reasons. Usually the same one...I just don’t want to. So getting out of my own way and actually doing the work...is sometimes a very hard ask. And I am sure that is why life keeps the magic there. Last place we ever want to look for it.
I have found that another one of the great paradoxes in this life is that often the things we need the most come from the shit that we absolutely are 1000% convinced we do not need or want. And so motivation to do the work for shit that seems unrelated or unlikely to lead us to a place we want to be, is often a very hard ask indeed.
I think, for me, I have found that I have to surrender. Repeatedly. Daily, sometimes hourly. My life is a series of minute surrenders punctuated by my futile attempts at a full on coup and self rebellion. I do not go down easy, I go down hard and usually with my pride as the price I have to pay to get any kind of peace.
I wish I were different. And then again, I don’t. I have to have the leveling of my pride, the humbling in order to not be an asshole. I think I was kind of born in asshole mode and it has taken a lot of work, work that I didn’t want to do, to get me to a place where I am a functional, relatively stable adult.
I also need to own that I am finding adulting to not be very much fun...and I would like to resign from this position and return to some adolescent state where I just do what I want and don’t give any fucks. Honestly, my life is looking more and more adolescent and less and less adult every single day...the jury is still out on whether or not this is progress or regression.
So I guess what I am saying is that my experience has been that I find the most magic, the most bang for my buck, when I drop myself into the work I am not currently doing. Sometimes this is hard because, sometimes, I do not even know what the work I am not doing is. And I have to wait, and I think I hate waiting more than I hate doing the work. I am a thinker. I am a doer. And when you have this combination, being forced to wait generates feelings which waiting makes you sit with...so I would much prefer to think and stay on the move...far less feeling likely to happen in that regard. And feelings are still the things that scare me most in this world. Yours and mine.
But when I am able to corral myself and get myself to lock in and do the work...I am able to access the magic. I am able to find relief and ecstasy and peace in the magic that can only happen from doing the work that I really fucking do not want to do...
I would much prefer the universe store the peace, ecstasy and relief in NOT doing the work and running scared. I would be a fucking boddhisavata by now for sure with the amount of work I have avoided in my life! Fuck!
I know today the magic waits for me in all the things I avoid. And this should be a huge motivator to do the work...however, I am stubborn, obstinate and hard headed so I often do everything else first, then do the fucking work. And I get richly rewarded every single time...and perhaps one day, I will stop resisting and fighting and avoiding and be able to just allow the work to come and bring willingness to the situation and do the work, and gain the magic without all my attendant drama to the contrary.
I mean, I wouldn’t hold your breath, but I am working on it.
Again...still.
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