I am in it. I said some stuff and that caused a reaction, a strong reaction in others. I didn’t respond right away. I was thinking about how I felt, how they felt, and what to do now. I was conflicted. Like I love them, but felt/feel like I couldn’t say what I felt and thought because if I did, they would leave. And, perhaps not in the best way, I finally had the courage to say my truth, and they left. I know they would say I left. And perhaps both are true.
I find myself at the place again where it always seems like I have to choose between myself and others. I can do what everyone else wants me to, say the acceptable thing, do the thing that I am expected to do, or I can be honest. And I do the former, way more than I do the later.
So inadvertently, I hastened the ending. I didn’t want it to go down like this, but I am not in charge. What I think is most painful, is that I guess I was correct all a long. If I tell the truth, you will be mad, hurt and leave. And I think the most sad part in all of this, is that I knew it, on some level, all along...and I stayed anyway.
I have started texts, letter, and even picked up the phone but I really have nothing to say. They are pissed or hurt (I don't really know), I am not sure which, because they are just gone. And I know that it appears that I left first. But I seriously do not know what I am doing. I am attempting to honor the truths that roil beneath my skin, not ever getting it right, but having the feelings nonetheless. Fuck, I wish that I could just be different. That I could not think the things that I do, not engender all the feelings that I feel. I wish that I could. But I can’t. And when I pretend that I don’t have them, that I am just fine with things, I lie. And that is a problem...for everyone.
So I am letting go and it feels like a freewill. In so many areas of my life, I have jumped off the proverbial cliff and am just free falling to whatever comes next and I am really praying it isn’t the ground. But it could be, and I know that. My life seems to be a swirling vortex of letting go while still attempting to practice spiritual principles...and I feel like I am doing a piss poor job at all of them.
I know that I am on the right path, regardless, because I have been in this place before, maybe not this exact place but a place where it feels like my life is being ripped to shreds and I am alone to process all of that.
I pour it all out here because this is my process. I wish that I could be more direct, have actual conversations, but I become lost in all you want from me, all I think, and all you actually do. And I struggle. I cannot get clear or really have a prayer of being honest because in the heat of the presence or directness of another human being, I capitulate, I lie, I disappear.
I don’t love this about myself. And I really am working to change it. But right now, I am literally doing the best I can, even though that is not good enough for others. I write it here because it is the only safe place I have. It is the place where I have courage to say what is in my mind and heart. It creates a buffer for me, that I really need. It isn’t to hurt others, it is just what I need. But as I am finding out, there is often a very high price tag attached to what it is that I need...
I am sad. I am scared. I jumped off the motherfucking cliff! And I am falling alone, which is the only way anyone can really free fall. Others can watch from the cliff or ground, but the fall is totally your own.
I have injured others, but this pales in comparison to how much I was injuring all of us by just going along to get along. And I feel lost in the fall, unsure of what to do now. There is such a huge part of me that wants to retract and recant all that I have said and done. But that would just be another lie. And I am pretty sure there is too much water under that proverbial bridge now for any kind of recantation to mean anything at all.
No, I just have to continue the free fall and accept that whatever is supposed to happen, will. I love myself and them enough to just wait, not foolishly insist or demand or insert. To trust that God’s timing is always perfect even when it results in pain, anguish and grief. And those are all things I feel now. I know not what they feel, and I guess that is how it should be also.
And I realize that I so often hold on because I am so terrified that letting go will result in the end. That my refusing to continue to behave in some way or manner will result in the end of the relationship. And I think that I am finally seeing that it was a fear because it was what I intuitively knew was always likely to happen.
I have been alive and working this path long enough to know that there is nothing I can do to hold people who are not meant for me in my life, no more than I can pull towards me people who are destined for other relations. I am not in charge, and that is actually a relief. My job, so it would appear, is to tell the truth and then accept the consequences of that truth. Painful as it is. Trusting that that which is meant for me, will always come. And that which is not, shall always remain just out of reach. And the best life, my best life, is always happening for me, even when it feels like all I am doing is creating wreckage and pain.
I have gone to some pretty amazing lengths to avoid that which is unavoidable...all so that I could not have the free fall of letting go feeling that I do now. But, but, as painful as this is, it was more painful to exist as I was. So the free fall is just part of the process I guess. I am never really sure. And I always, always, always doubt myself, my feelings, my thoughts...but I am getting better...one letting go at a time.
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