Maybe there are people out there who are just balanced. Like they love themselves and take care of themselves and that is just how they live. I am not one of those people. Like at all. I have always had almost equal parts of self destruction and self evolution. For a long time in the late 80s and early 90s self destruction was winning, big time. But ever since I got sober and began walking the recovery path, self evolution has been winning, well, most of the time.
If I could see a graphic representation of my growth, it would likely look like the stock market on really bad and good days. Down, then up, then drastic swing, then even more drastic swing in the opposite direction. Now, I haven’t wanted my recovery and growth to be this way...it just has been.
I think largely I have trended upwards, but on any given day, there have been these hover points where, while not drinking, the rest of my behavior might indicate a high level of self destruction. And I will tell you that despite knowing better, I still end up in these places regularly.
It appears I am getting better at it...I floated this premise to my therapist last week. I told her, “ok, I have no idea whether I am ok or spiraling out of control. Can you please be the voice of reason here?” So I laid bare all the things that I think I am doing poorly, or compulsively, or alcoholically (not drinking of course, I just do everything in my life the way I used to drink...). When I got done listing all the ways I am fucking up, she just kind of sat there in her chair. She took a breath, asked a few questions and did her best not to be overwhelmed with the amount of crap I put myself through.
She said this, “I think anyone who worries about the things you just listed is more set on a course of self evolution, than destruction. But I know for you, you seem to always walk the line.”
FUCK. That was some truth.
I have been seeing her for the better part of a decade. I panic when I think she might retire one day. She is amazing and has helped me keep the self evolution side clicks ahead of the self destruction...mostly.
What I know to be true is that my baseline is set for self destruction. Without a program, meditation, prayer, steps, principles and the like, I am going to try to kill me every single chance I get. It takes a lot of work, still, to not just let my self destructive beast out of the cage. I would say I don’t know why I am like this, but I do. I know exactly why.
What we spent the better part of an hour discussing was how much effort I put into growing and changing and resolutely looking at my tendencies toward self annihilation. I keep working at it because I committed to NOT destroying myself. I kept thinking that as I advance in sober time this whole endeavor would get easier...and in many ways it has, but while I don’t have to maintain hypervigilance anymore, I cannot ever just sit back and completely put my feet up either. For me it will always be either trudging forward or backsliding...that is just the way it is with me.
And I would be lying if I didn’t say sometimes I feel caught between the two extremes of self care and self hate. And I feel the squeeze play. Most of the time, self care and I are on the same page and working in tandem to keep self destruction from fucking it all up. But there are other times where I, the me that observes all the behavior, just finds both versions of myself annoying and a total pain in the ass. Like that part of me wishes she could just leave both other versions behind and march onward, solo.
I guess what I am saying is that I often feel somewhat caught by my push towards growth and change and the seductive calls from self flagellation. Either extreme is exhausting really. And I find this middle other person I am just wanting some peace between the two warring factions of myself.
So today as Monday rolls out, I am going to focus on balancing the divergent parts of myself and allowing each faction to have their say and then move forward with my day. I may not grow by leaps and bounds today but I don’t think I am going to off myself either. It is a tentative peace but a peace nonetheless. I will take it.
I think the basis for this fine art of self balance is staying grounded in the moment. Not worrying about three hours from now, and not regressing into morbid reflection. Some days the struggle is REAL, and other days, I just seem to sail through the moments, intact and feeling pretty ok. I just never know what day I am going to have. Saturday was a breeze but Sunday was kind of a bitch. I guess that is just the way it is with seeking balance...we can only really find it in the moment we are in. And that is the whole point of spiritual growth, being tethered to the moment at hand, so much so that you cease to worry about the things just passed, or the things just coming. You are so completely enveloped in the here and now, you forget that either extreme are destinations to be visited.
May you find peace, comfort and gratitude in all today’s moments...
Again...still.
Always.
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