I have arrived at this place in life where I can see that everything that happens, everything that doesn’t happen, the good, the bad, the indifference, the hardship, the pain, the ecstasy, the degradation, absolutely everything is happening exactly as it should.
I used to spend so much of my life railing against this or that. I would get into a groove I liked and then did my best to stay in that groove no matter what. I was always pissed off and upset when things changed, or failed, or seemed to go against what I wanted.
But now I know better. Whatever it is that happens next is just what is supposed to happen as life moves me down the conveyer belt of living. Everything is always happening to grow me up, and out and away from that which I have learned and move me towards that which I need to know next.
Everything is information.
Everything is experience.
Everything is beautiful.
Everything is happening as it is supposed to.
Everything is happening in line with Divine timing whether I like it or not.
Everything is important.
What I can see now is that my will was so limited, so finite. I was just here living this deal and I just wanted these very limited things: money, attention, sex, a certain level of hotness. But I was so limited in my thinking and wanting and desiring. The universe or God or whatever you want to call it, wanted me to have the experience of everything.
And while I will not be so bold as to say I have had the experience of everything. I think I have hit the high notes: birth, trauma, surviving trauma, addiction, surviving addiction, recovery, surviving recovery, work, hard work, marriage, divorce, motherhood, surviving motherhood, falling in love, heartbreak, career ups and downs and twists and turns, aging. I have led a full and interesting life. And I am absolutely sure that God has used everything, absolutely everything to get my attention, grow me up and move me like some sort of spiritual chess piece in the epic chess match that is my life.
I have moved around the globe. I have stayed when I wanted to go, I have gone when I likely should have stayed. I have fucked it up and I have made it all better. I needed absolutely everything to get to this place in time where I sit in the early morning hours of December 27th on the 41st floor of a hotel in New York City where I am currently living this life of mine.
I can see now that everything was vital. And whether I liked it or not was not what was most important. I liked things that I should have hated and hated things I should have liked. I can see now that the way I feel and felt about things was not what was most vital, it was instead most important that I just remained. Stayed with the hard feelings, or lessons, or circumstances. That I persevered. Each day that we are blessed with will come with things we like and things we don’t. And I can see that I have been stupid about my individual wants and needs. I have believed they are more important than they are. I thought that life was about getting what I wanted and avoiding that which I didn’t.
And that is the beauty of everything. Nothing is wasted. Nothing. Everything is useful and helpful if you keep a right mindset. Everything happens to help you grow into who you are supposed to be. This life, this living, this loving, this whole fucking ordeal is here to help us grow into the best versions of ourselves we could be. And the only thing we get wrong, consistently, is that everything is supposed to be different. It isn’t. Everything is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to whether we like it, love it, hate it, can’t fathom it or really believe everything should be different.
The beauty of everything is that it is unfolding every moment of every single day of our lives. Everything is never boring. Everything is beautiful when you can stay in the moment recognizing that everything is fleeting and purposeful. Everything is happening exactly as it should on this evolution we call life and living.
And when I can remain in that granular state, that place where I see the beauty in everything that happens, and all that does not. I am living my best, most useful life.
Again...still.
