Take Care of Yourself...

I am not really that great at it.  But as with other delusions I maintain, I think I am great at it.  But I am actually not great at it, in fact, I think that I am probably more self abusive than I could own...before now.

Men are the number one way I abuse myself.  Picking fucked up ones that are liars, cheaters and narcissists.  Repeatedly.  I engage because I guess I feel like I don’t deserve better.  And so, this issue has proliferated in my life and has resulted in my last shitshow that I am still recovering from and then the selection of a new shitshow that barely got off the ground before it fell into a fiery crash.

Yes, I am aware I use shitshow a great deal when I am talking about men...but that is my experience.  And yes, I also get I am in charge of this so if I don’t like what I am getting, I am the one that needs to do something differently.  I am acutely aware.

My old sponsor said to me during the penultimate time I left my last boyfriend, “I am not sure you know how to live if you don’t have someone to abuse you...”  It really pissed me off.  But I will tell you that, as much as it made me mad, it landed like a thud in my chest.  Hard and with force.  I knew she was right.  I always seem to find someone who will treat me like shit and I will be long suffering with them until I have had enough.  And enough is an evolving idea.  And a relapsing one.

But I can see it now.  I can see that if I do not have a man in my life that is letting me down, lying to me, not showing up for me and is generally fucking up my lovely life, I seem to go seek out another one.  And until yesterday, I never really saw MY behavior as self abusive.  But yesterday, it landed also like a thud, with force and impact, as I was driving the amazing countryside of New Zealand.

It occurred to me:  

“If you aren’t responsible for taking care of yourself, then who is?”

“Are you really going to do this AGAIN?”

“What would a person who loves themselves do in this situation?”

“Why do you not take care of yourself and provide access to others who have no real interest in your wellbeing?”

“If it isn’t your job to take care of you, then who the fuck’s job is it?”

So I blocked him too.

It has to end here for me.  I cannot go on allowing bullshit treatment and then calling it something else.  I want something different so I am finally ready to do something different.

Blocking seems to be the way to go. No things are not all tidy and ended, but perhaps, this time, I can just block and move on without all the “closure” since the idea of closure has always been just another inroad to gaslight me into believing a whole bunch of fucked up shit...all in the guise of “explanation.”

It occurred to me as I sailed over the bucolic landscape last night, I don’t get better treatment because I don’t demand it.  I am always making excuses for men who are quite good at making up their own.  They really don’t need my help, like at all.

So it was upon exiting via blocking that I ended this last dumpster fire that was well on its way to full conflagration.  Blocking being the fire hose to that whole ordeal.

And wouldn’t you know that the ex reached out right after I put out the flames of another ridiculous attempt at relationshiping.  Of course he did.  It is like he can smell my making a healthy choice in my life and he is sent to see how resolved I really am.

Well, happy to report, this time, very resolved.  Stupid, “I miss you” texts have no impact today.  Just another lame attempt to suck me back into something that was a complete waste of my time to begin with...I do know better now.  And I am actually capable of doing better.

Sometimes blocking is the most basic form of self care you can provide yourself.  Cutting off all access of another person to reach you, manipulate you and gaslight you into believing their alternative reality where they are so much better than they actually are...

As I was driving yesterday, I saw how much my own lack of care for myself was the weapon used against me most in this life.  I put up with so much thinking that this time they will care and not hurt me.  But so far, that hasn’t happened.  And so I reached a bottom, or as I like to call it, a beginning. 

I saw with austere clarity that I was the one not taking care of myself.  It has been me all along.  The men I choose are absolutely perfect examples of my own self abuse and profound lack of care and neglect.  Sigh.

I saw it and I did the only thing one can do when you see the cold, naked truth.  I prayed for relief.  I prayed to be relieved of my own self abuse and to do whatever I need to do to take care of me.  To allow myself to be at the forefront of my life.  To have my own self care be the only thing that matters at this moment and to do the very hard thing of blocking someone as a way of ending things. As well as any other self care behavior that might be supportive of this new Erin Taking Care of Erin campaign.

It all starts and ends with us. We are the ones who sign up for shit and then are unhappy when we are served shit, but we are the ones who ordered it. I know, I know, we didn't really order shit, we ordered something that looked unlike shit at all on the menu. But in the end, when we are served a shit sandwich and the gaslight ourselves into thinking it isn't REALLY a shit sandwich, we are the ones propagating the abuse. Self abuse. To be clear.

So today I remain firm on my blocked commitment - to the last one and the most recent "last" one. Perhaps one day I will be able to care for myself In some other manner than blocking, but today, blocking Is the most fundamental care I can muster...so that Is what I will do.

Self care takes many forms...

Again, still.