I was in a meeting this morning and the speaker talked about his experience with supernatural quiet...his link up to God. He can only hear God in the quiet places of his mind and his life before recovery, there was never, ever a place inside his head that was quiet. I could so relate to that. My head was a war zone. It was loud, chaotic, full of darkness, shame, secrets and lies. It was not ever quiet and I had not even a passing acquaintance with God...I only knew that I didn’t want anything to do with anything religious and I didn’t know that there was another option, that of a spiritual experience. I had only my own head and guidance system upon which to rely, and it was failing me and everyone else around me every single day.
Today, right now in fact, I am experiencing the supernatural quiet. Just laying in my bed writing. The words flowing out of me straight from that inner resource, the inner spring from which Divinity can flow if I am present. I have come to know this place quite well actually, over the years. It is lovely and peaceful and full of serenity but still a place on some days that I fear to tread. I am scared still of what I will find out about myself if I am too still, too quiet.
It is an old fear but a good one. Running, always moving, is the way that I have dealt with it. Not stopping, lighting shit up and setting fire to any kind of calm, is my default. It is how I have always rolled. Don’t look, don’t stop, just keep moving. I am like a shark in that way, never stoping moving lest I fear that I will perish. So not true. In fact, it has been brought to my attention that it is the incessant motion, this refusal to stop that bars intimacy in my life, that stops me from being able to enjoy life and that keeps me forever set aside and a part from myself, God and everyone else. Yet, it still persists. Likely because I believe, on some level, that I need the distance to survive. Without the distance, I will perish. I will be alone and God cannot reach me.
But I have come far enough on this journey to know that the distance between me and other offers no real protection. No real peace. No real safety. It is only my willingness to bridge that distance, to move closer to the flame alive in another that I will ever truly feel peaceful, connected and alive. It is in the supernatural quiet that my being speaks to others and I hear my own call echoed back. It is in my willingness to sit still, to be content in my own company that I get the best face time with God. So hard to do at times but the best feeling I have ever felt. At one with God and the universe, my affairs in order, peace in my heart and love vibration all round. It is here that I have always sought, but the last place I still look. But sometimes, on a quiet Saturday, clouded sky with the threat of rain, I sit alone in my bed, tapping out the cadence of the supernatural quiet that stirs my soul...
Comments