Well, I got THAT fucking wrong for the whole of my life. Seriously. I thought that enduring, persevering, withstanding, and maintaining was loyalty. I thought that when you took one for the team, you were doing good and right in this world. And I have since learned that taking one for the team really only applies when you are actually on a team that is operating as a team. And that is rare...this whole team mentality, most especially in today’s world.
I have been on many teams. And so this idea that I should personally sacrifice in order to advance the larger cause was prevalent in my commitment to the team. And I thought this made me a good team member and larger game participant. But I came to find out a few years ago, that all of my “team” participation was just me being very committed to toxic situations that cared so very little for me. It was a very hard day when that revelation hit.
After years of being quite dedicated to one particular team, I found out, that in reality, all I had been doing was fighting to remain in a situation that didn’t really benefit me all that much. I had to fight for my existence, was always being called out for the failures of others and my compensation was always and forever lorded over me in some sort of attempt to keep me quiet and cowed.
Everyone else in my life saw this particular situation as toxic. Several people who cared about me had concerns over how this environment was hurting me over the long haul. And while I saw it, I have to own that I got off with some sort of perverse pleasure by giving to the point of pain. I completely and totally equated my willingness to remain in this less than stellar situation because I was calling it loyalty.
I know now that I have done this all my life. Remained in toxic situations because I thought I was being loyal. No, I was being abused, there is a difference.
Loyalty or a strong feeling of support or allegiance is always going to be ripe for toxic engagement. Loyalty is really a one way street. And it is also self serving to a certain degree. We commit to the cause, but often, the cause does not commit to us. And we are often the last ones to know.
I know now I was a great employee. And I have been a good friend. And I have been an amazing partner. But if there is one thing I have failed at repeatedly, it is that I have confused my own loyalty with my ability and willingness to put up with a lot of really shitty treatment. Remaining where you are not valued, respected and honored isn’t loyalty, it is stupid.
And I have been very stupid for a very long time. But I will tell you that sometimes in this life, you have enough and you make a change and it sends ripple effects, no shockwaves, through your life and how you are living it. I left a job in April of 2022. I didn’t know then that this one simple act, with really no back up plan to speak of, would change everything in my life. And that over the next two years, everything in my life would get rearranged and forever altered.
But here I am. The toxic job gone, the toxic friendships gone, the toxic relationship gone. It is like I ran through some sort of toxic gauntlet over the last two years. And while I love the end result, I will tell you that it would have been nice for some sort of universal head’s up. I didn’t know that I was going to be finding out just how badly I related to others in every single area of my life, but I did. And today, I am happy to report that none of those toxic fuckers are still standing. They have all fallen by the way side while I move forward and onward in my life and most importantly, the enjoyment of my life.
I have found out that when you are loyal to yourself you will not put up with toxic bullshit and call it something else. You will free yourself of the shackles of your own choices and call shit out for what it is...toxic and unhelpful and abusive.
Everyone is toxic sometimes. We are all broken, damaged humans trying to live with some peace and honor. And that is harder for some of us. And today, I have owned my part and thereby set myself free. And in the process, found some compassion for those I had to leave behind as well as for myself.
Enduring isn’t all it is cracked up to be. Really. In the end, it provides testament and authority only to your own illness and dysfunction. Your willingness to remain in situations that are abusive, sick, toxic and the like, doesn’t make you loyal...it makes you sicker and more toxic. Always.
I confused loyalty with self abuse which in turn allowed me to be abused by others. And then one day I woke up and said, “fuck this shit” and I did some scary shit and walked away. And in that walking, I walked right out of the life I had always known and into this new life where I will tell you, with absolute certainty, I am living cleaner, happier, better and with more loyalty to those who are capable of returning my efforts.
Life feels more in balance today. I feel like I give and I receive. And isn’t all lopsided and fucked up. Sometimes I am giving more than is comfortable, but I have the tools and the inclination today to balance it out and stand up for myself when I run afoul of my own boundaries.
Remaining in toxic situations isn’t loyalty, it is self abuse. And it took me a very long time to get that. But I fucking got it. And I pray that I never lose it again, ever.
I am gonna keep going, again, still.
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