Do you feel it too? I have talked to so many people right now who feel rudderless, aimless, lost. And none of us really are. We all have purpose and jobs and a life that is totally worth living. But even so, there seems to be this pervasive feeling of dis-ease and, at least for me, being stalled out. Like my life is in some sort of eddy and I am just circling here for awhile.
It isn’t necessarily a bad feeling. It is just a rare feeling, at least for me. I am a doer. I am an accomplisher. I am a mover and a shaker. And I am still doing all those things In some capacity but it doesn’t feel the same and it feels like someone turned my energy and accomplishment level way down. I am still doing all the things, I am just not producing like I used to. I want to. I feel that I should.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Is it the pending election? I feel like I am holding my breath...waiting for a life I can participate in, hoping beyond all hope that that life will unfold. And also having immense, daily dread of what might be if he, who shall remain nameless because I can’t even utter his name because he is so despicable, wins.
I am sure that is part of it.
I just feel lost. Like I am not sure why I doing all the things anymore. I mean I know I have to work to pay the mortgage and eat and things like that. I know that I really do enjoy what I do most of the time. I am just not sure where things go from here. Life feels stalled and stuck and like I am losing ground.
And at the very same time, I feel like I am also culling energy, creating great storage vats of energy within me that I am going to need shortly. Holding back so much of the living I used to do, in order to conserve myself so that I have more of me available in the near distant future.
Maybe it isn’t so much a stalling but a preparing?
But for me anything that isn’t full steam ahead feels like a delay.
Perhaps it is time I reconsider?
Perhaps there are these places in ones life where all the things that used to work, just don’t anymore. The relationships fall away, the kids grow up and away, the parents age and grow infirm, the job remains but your ability and desire to do it fades. I feel like the age of acquisition is ending and there is some other age that is upon me, I just don’t know what it is quite yet.
I have indicators. I feel things. I see signs. I can and do feel it. If I look at my life thus far I can see there were stages...
The era of development birth to 18
The era of independence 18 - 25
The era of maturation 25 - 34
The era of acquisition 34 - 45
The era of reclamation 45 - 54
And now what? The era of stalling? The era of Eddys? The era of what exactly?
I am thinking, that the next era is of appreciation. This slowing down and feeling stalled is happening to allow me more time to appreciate all of the eras just past. To review, in repose, my life and all that has occurred. To see with clarity why I am where I am and how I got here. And to prepare for the life that is coming in this next epoch.
There is actually much to be done when stalled. You can look around and observe things that are not visible to you when running at top speed. You can release expectations of accomplishment because, well, you just aren’t accomplishing like you used to. You can rail against it or you can just settle into the slower pace and learn to appreciate all that you can learn about yourself, life, others and perhaps God when you are slowed to a living pace.
What comes up for me is this drive to live beyond the human scale. I want it all NOW and A LOT and HURRY UP! But that is not what life is presenting me with right now. Life has provided me a good job, a home that I love, children who are doing well, parents who are close in proximity and my heart, friends who actually love me and show up for me, pets that make me laugh and cuss every single day. My life is overflowing with love, humor, space and time. I think what is scaring me the most, is that I am terrified of what to do with all my time.
Instead of putting the time I have been granted to good use, I have been numbing out to Netflix and stupid games on my phone. Spending hours of my life, staring at screens in an attempt to settle this existential angst that bleats within my soul. I want to add more because that is what I have always done, but I know that is not the way. I cannot really handle more. I need less. And now I just have to stop all the action I put behind seeking more.
I am learning there is a lot to be learned in the stalled out places in life. And there is actually a lot of growth coming from some deep places within. And without the stall, I don’t know that I would ever notice the growth. I wouldn’t see it, because I would be moving too fast and acquiring too much.
Life is slowing down and that terrifies me to some degree. Although I long for it...it is so unfamiliar that I am just not sure what to do with it. So like any good addict, I attempt to avoid that which is uncomfortable or unfamiliar to me.
Again, still...
But I am learning...however slowly to embrace the moment and appreciate even those times I feel lost, stalled and rudderless. They too shall pass more quickly than I might like.
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