I haven’t done one in a long time. I haven’t really felt like I needed it which I am going to claim is progress...I used to feel like I needed one daily. Some other person to divine how I was doing, really.
It has been a long time where God and I, and perhaps one other person, are the arbiter of my emotional/spiritual well being.
But this whole trip has been about saying yes. So I have done a lot of things that I wouldn’t have done otherwise. I have just said yes to whatever the universe presented me with and Sunday it was a spiritual reading from Kadek Sutarna - a Balinese healer. My friend Karen found him and asked if I wanted to go...of course I said yes.
So my new best friend Karen and other new BFF Dylan and I searched out Kadek’s locale and arrived ready to hear what the fuck was right and wrong with us.
Of course it was no shocker. Same stuff that has always been at issue with me...
I need to:
Control less
Trust more
Stop doubting myself so much
Continue to help others
When he “laid hands” on me it was painful. Like excruciating. Dylan was the same way. But Karen, she was just fine no physical pain...it was weird. Dylan and I were like “what the fuck is wrong with us?” I was first so when I was actively complaining about how much what he was doing hurt, Dylan kind of looked at me like, “ummm, a little dramatic aren’t we?” But as with all spiritual lessons, Dylan found out EXACTLY what it felt like when it was his turn.
I am not sure why he and I were so susceptible to the physical pain, maybe we have more trauma, unhealed and otherwise? I am not sure, I just know that when he hit the pressure points in my body, I was in agony...I guess more to be revealed on that front.
It was very cool to go to this place and allow a complete stranger access to me in front of two people I just met. But I will tell you there is no one other than Dylan and Karen that I would have wanted to be there with...we formed some sort of magic the three of us. Karen even said, it felt like we bent time...it felt like a week we were together but it was barely 24 hours.
So I shall continue to work on my lack of trust, my need to control, my tendency to doubt myself and why the fuck my body is so tightly wound. And I will also endeavor to continue to help people. But I will also tell you that I have no idea how to do this...Kadek gave me holy water to drink for 7 days so I am really hoping that fucking works. Probably shouldn’t say fucking and holy water in the same sentence...
What Kadek saw was me. He saw me. The me that probably everyone else but me sees. Until I am called on the carpet for these aspects of my personality, I tend to live in some sort of alternative universe where I am very trusting, confident and really making great strides on letting go of my need to control everything.
Dylan, Karen and I went to lunch afterwards to “process” the experience. None of us were able to completely articulate what it meant to have a veritable stranger read our mail so to speak. But we all felt like he “saw” us.
I remain grateful to still be open to learning more about me. I am grateful that the precept of “always maintain the primary witness” feels applicable in my life. I should seek outside information but in the end, I am the only one that truly knows, me.
I am grateful to be attuned to myself and my foibles. That I see them and have created a safe space for them to work themselves out, or not. That I am not denigrating myself because of them, but have a loving acceptance that while I am not all good, I am not all bad either.
Life is such a funny thing. Sometimes, the greatest lessons you receive are through the experiences that call you forward, from the recesses of the autopilot living. So much happens just beyond our comfort zone...so much growth, change and yes, discomfort. Today I am grateful for the safety to say yes to things that lead me to a place where I feel less safe and comfortable. I can remain open even when concerned, worried or just plain out of whack. It isn’t all failing, it is all my becoming, sometimes a very unlovely becoming, but a becoming all the same.
I am grateful to know what my work is and I am grateful for the willingness to do the work today. There have been times in my life where I was not willing and I suffered greatly because of being in my own way. Today, I feel like life is very loose and safe and interesting. My job is to just say yes to all the things even when the inside of me often screams NO to. Just say yes and see what happens.
And when you do this, you too can end up in a Balinese healer’s ashram and be told things you already know about yourself, but still receive insight that you didn’t have before about yourself, how you are living, loving and practicing.
I am grateful for it all: Kadek, Dylan, Karen, recovery, the path, the willingness, the ability to be moved beyond that which is safe, comfortable and easy. I am grateful for the chance to be here, right now, in this skin, living this life to the very best of my ability. And for the lovely gift of people like Kadek, Karen and Dylan who trudge this road with me however briefly.
I guess, spiritual readings are really not that different from any other reading. There are lots of things to know, to understand, to doubt and to assimilate into your life. Kadek gave me renewed interest in working with the things that block me from doing the work I was put on this planet to do. I am excited to get home and get back to work, helping people in crisis learn to live with more ease and comfort, one day at a time. And the only way I can do this is to willingly go to healers and friends and bare my soul, opening up to what is, once more. In new and magical ways that feel foreign and exciting and just a little dangerous if I am honest.
And to let go of all that doesn’t fit, serve or align with my path and purpose in this life. I am going to keep moving forward, trusting as best I can this whole sober living thing, hoping beyond all hope that I can help someone else along the way.
Again...still.
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