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Skittish...

Someone described me in this way yesterday.  And at first, I thought, “she can’t be talking about me...”  But then I thought about it all day.  This same person said I was vulnerable.  And I bristled at that also.  I think, no I am sure, I have lived most of my life trying to be close to people without being vulnerable.  (Spoiler alert - that doesn’t work).  But when I asked her to explain (another skill I am developing - instead of thinking I know what someone means, I ask questions).  She meant that I am vulnerable, and that is when she used the word skittish.


I will tell you that until she said it, I have never thought that about myself.  Not once.  And I will admit that as the words landed as descriptors, I felt myself wanting immediately to push back at them and refuse landing space.  But I didn’t.  I just let her talk and listened.


And vulnerable and skittish echoed in my mind all day.  I am still sorting through the vulnerable one, but skittish, well that one landed...with a thud of course because that is the only way shit like that can land with me.


I am skittish.  I do startle easily.  Even with people who I believe are not going to harm me.  I am still always on alert for them to anyway.  And no matter how tame I might appear to be, I am still feral at heart.  And skittish.  I spook easily and when I do, I am outta there.


I looked up the word because even though I like to admire my own vocabulary, I often, most especially as I age, find myself a bit bereft of the assurance I used to have regarding words and their attendant definitions.  So it was to my surprise that not only does skittish mean easily frightened...but it also means playful, lively and high spirited.  Also flirtatious.  And that applies to me also I am afraid.


I was thinking perhaps a horse might be my spirit animal, but she said deer and I think that makes more sense.  I would prefer it be a horse, really, but deer seems to land harder, but better for me.


I am easily frightened.  And people scare me most of all.  So much of my life I have just taken flight before I was even really sure what you wanted from me or if I could give it, you did something that spooked me (not hard to do at all) and off I would go as I have always found it easier to just leave and start over somewhere else, than stay and work it out.  Not a stellar life affirming skill, I know.


So it is an anomaly for me to not just run far away when someone does something that frightens me.  It is hard to stay.  But I have also learned recently, it is hard to leave also.  It really is about choosing my hard.


This woman and I have been through a lot together and she felt she might be above my default setting of be afraid, take flight plight.  But as we both have recently found out, apparently not.  I swear I wasn’t going to leave without a conversation, and I wasn’t even sure that I was leaving.  I just needed space to sort through my conflicted and hard feelings.  And I can own that I did not communicate my need for space well or very adult like.  But I will also claim that me taking the space I needed was progress even if it missed the mark.


And once she pronounced me “deer like” I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Mostly, I thought up things to prove her wrong.  But then, the more I thought about them, the more convinced I became of that which I was trying to avoid accepting.  Again, still.


And as my day and thoughts wore on, I allowed myself the indulgence of “it is hard to be deer like”. It is hard to move through this world so easily frightened, so easily upset and in fear.  And while I feel like I have done a great deal of work with fear, I can now see that perhaps I have a lot more work to do in this area.  And fuck, my list of issues is getting longer by the fucking moment.  It is a good thing I am taking some time for myself, I am gonna fucking need it because there is a lot to work through over here.


So yesterday I learned that I am skittish...easily spooked AND high spirited...and got to see in some new ways the way I show up for this life and the ways I don’t.  And I got to allow that to percolate and resonate and just be there without over identifying with it or refusing it a place to land within me.  Which is progress for me.  It was not an indictment of my character or lack thereof.  And it was not a totem for me to pick up and run with either.  It is just an observation of the way I move through this world, one that I am not sure how much I can change, or want to.


I will tell you that it is absolutely true that I do startle easily and am always on high alert. I look for clues in your behavior all the fucking time and then attempt to decipher if there is anything there in the actual words spoken or the subtext that I should be picking up on, so that I may flee before things suddenly devolve into misery.  And I know I have been this way the whole of my life, on high alert for an ever present danger.  And no matter how much safety I can provide myself it is never enough to prevent me from pulling up stakes and moving on.


But I am getting better...slowly, one mother fucking day at a time.  And now in addition to my acute codependence, I can work on my skittishness too.  While at the very same time being grateful for both of these states of being in my life...because their presence has caused me a great deal of pain, while also causing a great deal of growth!


Again...still.


Fuck intermittently applies.




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