It is how I have lived my life. Every day, this massive amount of self gets up and then gets herself going. Now, I would love to say that I do this less than I used to, but I am not sure if that is true...or if it is even a goal. I mean, I really do try to think about what God might want for me. I really do think about those kinds of things. But if I am honest, I get up every day with an agenda and then set about making shit happen. And it is mostly the shit I believe should be happening.
I got whacked yesterday with I am not sure what. I feel like hell: fever, cough, malaise and just general I feel like shit kind of stuff. And for the first few minutes as this was dawning on me, that I was in fact getting sick on vacation, I was just like NO! Fuck NO! I REFUSE! But no matter how delusional one is, you cannot push away sickness...it just descends upon you and there is really nothing you can do about it.
So it is at these times, where self propulsion fails totally. I could not rally. I could not will myself into health or feeling better. I just had to surrender. I just had to accept the fact that I felt horrible and go back to bed.
I spent the day dozing in and out of consciousness. Grateful to have such an amazing view and place to stay while ill. Trusting that I will not be ill forever, and that if I allow my body to rest, perhaps I can shorten the cycle. But I am really powerless over that as well. I am just down, and for how long, isn’t up to me.
It is at times like this where I get the opportunity to see that self propulsion only gets you so far. I can push forward but that really just feels like a not so subtle violence against me. And that seems like to stupidest thing ever: feel physically unwell, then mentally beat the shit out of myself for being sick, or wishing things were different! No, I am done doing this whole piling on thing. It doesn’t help and, in fact, only serves to make me feel worse.
Not sure whether I am going to spend another day down or if I am going to be able to rally. I am just going through the usual routine and seeing what happens. I am ok with stopping along the morning routine to check in with myself and see how I feel. I am very grateful I have the ability to stay another night where I am. I can just opt to lounge in bed another day if I need or want to.
Self propulsion really only gets you so far...and then it becomes something else entirely...like self abuse. The longer I am alive the more I realize discernment is something to aim for...that discerning the difference between self propulsion and acceptance for how things are in a fine line that is easy to miss. And when you are moving through life at top speed, it is very hard to even notice there is a line.
Today, I am starting my day off with this idea that my only real job is to care for myself like I would care for someone else who is in my situation. To treat myself like I would a sick friend. I would never berate them for feeling shitty, or not being up to the things I decided we should do for the day...I am not sure why this is so complicated or hard for me...I guess this whole idea of self propulsion as a life living strategy is pretty pervasive. And apparently it is time for me to address it...
Again...still.
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