The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have in life. Like all of them. How you feel about yourself will dominate your romantic relationships for sure. But also your parenting, friendships, work and other relationships. I didn’t realize this for a long time.
I can remember being a kid, maybe 5th or 6th grade. I remember exactly where I was in my basement when my dad said to me, “no one will love you until you love yourself...” And I remember spinning around (I was always spinning around, his nickname for me was “frog” because I never sat still and was always jumping from here to there...) and looking at him quizzically and inquiring “really?” I don’t remember what he said but I am sure he confirmed his previous statement.
What happened next in my mind, plotted the course I have followed until very recently...I remember thinking, “that’s bullshit! Someone else will love you and then you will come to love yourself more! Loving yourself first can’t happen because you need love in order to feel love.”
And just like that I fucked up my life royally! I was 10. Haha!
Several things stand out to me now as I recall this most distant past...one, I most likely had ADHD as a kid. That was why I was never still. I am sure it was annoying to those about me, the constant motor in me always running. Needing to move and not be still. This thought generated a lot of compassion for my family. My parents for having to deal with my constant state of motion and me for never being able to be still. We didn’t know. And I guess I am largely grateful for that fact...because I probably would have been addicted to stimulants as well as alcohol.
What also stands out is how much even way back then I was a thinker and I believed everything I thought. My thoughts were more important than everyone else’s thoughts. My father had just dropped a pearl on me, and I was like , “nah, at the ripe old age of 10 I think I got this Dad. Thanks for the counsel, but you could not possibly know what you are talking about!” I was up in my head even way back then, seeking safety and respite from my thoughts which upon further review were likely the biggest cause of my issues!
What else stands out? How confident I was. I mean I was 10! And I can remember clearly thinking the old man (he wasn’t even 40) was off his rocker and not only did I know better, I knew contrary! I am a contrarian to my core. I don’t necessarily want to be that way...I just am. And I am pretty sure there is no cure at this point.
And finally, the thing, and perhaps the most painful thing about this whole interchange is that I didn’t even love myself back then. I mean some shit had already gone down but I was 10 and I already doubted my own worth. I set myself up to believe that love is something you get from others, and are not capable of giving to yourself. I was 10 and had totally fucked my life up!
All of the above shows me one more time that I cannot see the forest from the trees. I have things land in my mind and then I believe them. I am a product of all that I think. Because all my behavior comes from there. All of it. And in this case, I didn’t like the idea that I would have to love myself first. In fact, I am sure I didn’t even know what that meant. And to be fair, I am not sure anyone at 10 could possibly know what that meant. Perhaps that is what lifetimes are about...learning this simple fact: no one will love you more than you love yourself. The way you treat yourself, the way you care about yourself sets the tone and foundation for all other relationships.
It is easy to see how this relatively insignificant incident in my childhood basement with my dad altered everything. I was told a truth that I didn’t like and so I just decided it would not be that way, and would instead be the way I wanted it. I would just be myself (whatever the fuck that was at 10) and then someone would love me and then it would all be ok...
I can see now that the whole of my life has been an attempt to surround myself with the love I should have been engendering within. Friends, lovers, boyfriends, cats, kids, dogs all swirl around me for the whole of my life in some sort of misguided attempt to make me feel loved. And I have felt loved. My parents always loved me. My kids love me even when they fail to appreciate me. I have been very blessed with good friendships and some really great romantic relationships. And that I think has all come in spite of me.
I do not believe that I learned to love me until about 2 and half years ago. Why then? Because that was when I stopped participating in crappy relationships with people who do not treat me very well. And I can tell you, that the last two plus years of relational wreckage was not intentional. I didn’t mean to let go of my job, my friends, my kid, my lover. I wasn’t intending to completely rewrite my life, and in so doing, my heart. I was just living in accordance to the truth that welled up in me at that time and taking action to stop the relational heartbreak that was loving someone else, caring for them when they constantly and consistently let me down. I finally saw the futility in all of that and bounced.
And it was then, with that first leaving, that first statement of “ummmm, I do not like the way you treat me, and I am not going to put up with it anymore. Here is my notice!” That I began to change and alter course. I didn’t know it at the time, but I began to love myself.
And with every leaving required of me thereafter, the love I felt for me grew exponentially. It grew in leaps and bounds. Arriving me at the place today where I finally, at very long last, can say, I love me and I am the most important person in my life. This does not mean that I am a narcissistic idiot. True self love comes with a heightened awareness that how you treat yourself is the foundation for all your other relationships. So when you truly love you, the other people in your life cannot help but benefit.
I have learned the relationship I have with myself sets me up for the relationship I have with every single other person. And it is amazing since I came to this place of self care, self love and self acceptance that my relationships have followed suit. I have only loving people in my life. I have only people who care about me and love me back. Gone are all the takers. Gone are the people who sought to rob me of my peace of mind and only reap the benefits of my love and life for themselves. I have no one like that in my life today. No one.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I would have had a different thought all those years ago...if I would have taken my father’s words to heart instead of wholly rejecting and discarding them. Who would I have been if I would not have allowed this deep need to be loved by others to interfere with the love I have for myself? I guess I will never know and I suppose it isn’t all that important...I love me now. I show up for me now. I am here in this life, loving what and who I am now. And because of that simple, yet revolutionary fact, the relationships with others has become fundamentally altered and rearranged.
We teach others how to treat us. And as much as a quick review of my life pains me, I can honestly own that I am no longer there. I am a different person than I was 2 years ago. And I needed everyone of those awful, hurtful and malignant relationships to arrive in this place where I see my only job really is to take care of me, love me, enjoy me, be me. It is like I said many years ago...Be you, that is all.
Fuck, I had no idea how hard that would actually be at the time I wrote that. But I will also tell you it has been the greatest adventure of my life. And I am so grateful to live in this body, in this mind, in this emotional intelligence, in this spiritual plane. And I can say it was worth all the pain, anguish, loss, confusion and consternation. It was worth every tear, hardship and pain. Because this life I live today is full of all the love...for self and other and I am living my best life every moment of every single day. Finally.
Whew! What a fucking ride!
Comments