Well yesterday I took the day off and intended to go on a hike on Santa Cruz Island all day. That was what I intended. However, as I was writing out my daily gratitude list yesterday, I saw an email come across stating that due to high seas, the trip was cancelled.
I didn’t panic or really even suffer disappointment. I just sat in the moment and let it pass. My mind wandered to other things...back to my writing, attending to the cat who was impatiently trying to get into my lap, and my mind just kind of meandered around the issue of what to now do with my day...
Hike to the hot springs?
Go to work?
Then it dawned on me that I had the RV and could just take off in it for the day. As soon as the thought hit my head, I was grateful and knew that I landed on a new and likely better plan.
So off I went in the Jack Kerouac for a destination unknown. I landed at Refugio beach which, despite the wind, turned out to be the best day! Refuge at the refuge...
There were few people and I was able to pull old Jack right up in front and give myself an ocean front view.
It was warm in the sun and I spent the day reading, writing, walking the coastline and I even took a nap...for those of you who know me, know that I am not a good napper!
It was a lovely day. Two of my good friends stopped by and I even got a visit from my ex-boyfriend’s daughter. It was a lovely day and I waited it out until the sun took its final bow and left the beach glowing and pink.
I ran through a whole host of emotions yesterday. Mostly grateful but also spent some time in the barrel thinking old thoughts that really don’t serve me anymore. Which showed me that I still have some work to do.
What came to me in my down time is how much time I still spend chasing things that are not for me. As much as I like being alone, there is a certain fear of it because of how quickly my thoughts can turn from positive to negative, just walking the beach all alone.
But yesterday as my best example, I make plans and the universe changes them. A Divine plot twist that I can't anticipate or really comprehend. And I suffer only when I insist that my will be accomplished. I didn’t make it to the islands yesterday and that was totally ok with me. I didn’t have a way. I made a plan but was not married to the plan. I let it unfold and was rewarded for my light grip by being present and willing to allow for something new and other to happen.
Because I got out of the way, an amazing day unfolded. It was a lot of alone time punctuated by a few friends that went out of their way to see me. A welcome invasion into my day of quiet solitude.
Mostly I spent the day grateful for the life I have been given and the one I worked really fucking hard to have today. I was given life but being who I am, I set about to pretty much ruin everything. Until that one day, twenty six years ago when everything changed and I stopped the hell bent self destruction and began to move towards whatever crazy beauty that put a hard stop on my downward spiral.
It has been a lot of work. A lot of days being uncomfortable and in pain. A lot of time not getting what I wanted. A lot of time spent not understanding why what was happening was happening. A lot of time spent being disassociated from my life and others. But regardless of how pretty it looked, I didn’t give up, I didn’t relent. I didn’t quit.
Everything is not perfect in my life. I am not perfect in my life. I am still a shitshow on a few levels. But I see it. I own it. And I am willing to continue to do the work to come to terms with it. To change me by doing a few simple things that done over time change absolutely everything in my life.
I arrived home last night, tired but immensely grateful for the life I live today. My dysfunction mostly held in balance by some sort of Divinity that I do not understand but know is there all the time even those times when I stubbornly refuse to accept it, submit to it or let it be in charge.
My life is beyond my wildest dreams today. I am not the same person I was twenty six years ago and for that I am immensely grateful. Thank you for twenty six years of living the miracle one day at a time.
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