This feels a lot like lacking boundaries isn’t empathy...but I guess it is a little different, so here we go...
People pleasing is a pattern of behavior where someone prioritizes the needs of others over their own in order to avoid rejection, criticism, or embarrassment. The act or actions that you take in order to make someone else happy with you are in direct conflict with what you need or want...
Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
While both involve positive actions towards others, the main difference lies in the motivation behind the actions: kindness stems from a genuine desire to help and support others, while people-pleasing is driven by a fear of disapproval or a need for external validation, often leading to sacrificing one's own needs to please others; essentially, kindness is about doing good with genuine intentions, while people-pleasing is about doing things to be liked, even if it means compromising your own well-being.
And the results are equally diverse: People pleasing usually leaves one feeling drained, exhausted and depleted. While contrarily, kindness lifts you up and makes you feel more positive, energized and fulfilled. Each action is directional, just going in very opposite directions.
I have confused the two often and forever. I think a precursor, at least it was for me, was to be able to feel the way a request from another lands in my body. Do I immediately feel trapped, unable to think on my feet, like I have to say yes and I have no other options? That is the way people pleasing feels. I get a little high or rush when I say yes but the overall feeling is dread. “Fuck, I do not want to do what I just said that I would do! Like at fucking all! How do I get out of it?”
Kindness doesn’t feel that way. I have no dread, I have no feelings of needing to escape and I am genuinely happy to assist. There is no ick factor in kindness.
Also, I am pretty sure, at least for me, kindness is more often generated from me while people pleasing usually comes in response to a request by another. I can see situations where I also suggest a people pleasing offer, but I think I have gotten better over the years about keeping my mouth shut when I am not asked. I do still get myself caught up when someone says, “hey, want to come help me move on Saturday?” The answer to that question is always fucking no. And to be fair, I wouldn’t even want to help me move. Moving sucks. And I have reached an age and income basis where I am like, “dude, higher movers or call someone else, I am out.”
But I can remember situations not that long ago where I showed up to help someone move because it was expected. All my other friends were going and if I didn’t show up, then I was the asshole. So that was totally a people pleasing situation. Totally. I did something I didn’t want to do because I didn’t want to be thought of as a jerk. Stupid because that particular friend group always thought I was a jerk no matter what I did, which is why they are not my friend group anymore!
For me the difference between kindness and people pleasing can always be felt in my body, immediately. The two actions and resulting feelings land differently, always.
One of the main benefits of getting older is that you give less fucks about what people think or say about you. And that is a real thing. I care way less than I used to. This is not to say that I want a shit reputation but I know I am over here everyday doing the very best I can and I am still fucking things up on the regular. So let them talk. It doesn’t change my bottom line. It doesn’t change me or how I show up. I am already doing my best. If you are going to disapprove of me because I can’t do what you want me to do with a kind and loving heart, well, that is gonna have to be on you. I just don’t have the bandwidth to care anymore.
The closer, more intimate relationships are harder. But even in those I feel like I am doing better. I mean, I do not want our intimacy and relationship to be based on how much I am willing to carve out of myself or lop off or pretend. If you are gonna like me, then like me for me, please. If you don’t, and I have to twist myself into some form I do not recognize to gain your approval, love or interest, fuck it. I am out.
This is not to say that I don’t sometimes still get caught up. But it happens way less than it used to partly because of a function of age, and partly because I can feel the difference in my body regarding how kindness lands quite differently than people pleasing.
It also helps that I have largely accepted that you are in charge of your own happiness. I am not responsible for it and people pleasing behavior really confuses the two. People pleasing grants me the ability to manipulate you into believing something other than what is real, and true and right. And I don’t care about engaging that anymore either.
I am still very concerned and deeply interested in who I am and how I show up. Deeply. So kindness, true unadulterated kindness is a goal for me every day. It is how I must behave in order to maintain a good, compassionate sentiment about myself. And if I don’t have that, what the fuck am I even doing anyway?
It is kind of all about which wolf you feed: you can feed the dark wolf of fear, rejection and a constant, unremitting need for the approval of others, or you can feed the light wolf of genuine and empathic care for others. It is up to you. But which ever one you feed the most, is the one that shows up most often. Always.
I want to be kind. I want to have a good opinion of myself and so that dictates that I be authentic and show up in my own skin and try to engage positively in the lives of others. And while that is all well and good, I cannot do that if I am engaged in doing things that you want because I am terrified you are going to malign me, hate on me, or think badly of me. In the end, people pleasing is just another futile manipulation that hurts everyone.
I cannot be kind and be manipulative at the same time. It is impossible. So there is always a choice for me and the older I get, the more wisely I choose.
Again, still.
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