Did you ever wake up from a dream...
And want to return to it, so you could clean it up?
I was having a dream the other morning, my daughter and I were in this house and we were sharing a room and we had all these clothes and we were organizing and cleaning the room, I woke up before we were done and I want to go back and finish cleaning up!
I didn’t want to return to the dream per se, but I felt the unfinishedness of the clean up job acutely...and I found myself wanting to return to the dream state for the sole purpose of cleaning up the mess I had made.
I am not sure if this is a metaphor for my life - there are a great number of things that I would like to go back and tidy up. Or if it is just a current manifestation of how very much my obsessive cleanliness dogs me, even in sleep.
Whatever the reason, it was something that took a few hours to clear. I found myself feeling like I had unfinished business all day. And even though I was consciously aware that there was no real mess that needed addressing, I felt unsettled and discombobulated nevertheless.
So much pathology in this blog...
I can see and admit that my hyper competence is a thing I use to feel safe. I hide behind it. I use my tidiness and order to make me feel like I have control over things that I do not. It is also an appearance thing I guess, though that motivates me less than the control factor. I don’t want anyone to ever stop by and see a mess in my house. Not that anyone ever stops by...but you know, just in case.
My son used to tell me all the time that Better Homes & Garden was not coming for a photo shoot...and it isn’t like I thought they were, but I need and want for the place to be clean, tidy, organized and in order. If you ever come over and my place is a mess, call for help immediately. Not joking.
Truth? I have never gone to bed with dishes in the sink. I have never gone to bed with unfolded laundry...I have gone to bed without putting that same laundry away - which feels like some sort of rebellion for me. Although since I live alone, I am really unclear on who exactly I am rebelling against.
And this compulsive order and neatness isn’t just a phase, it is a life long compulsion for sure. I have always been like this. And I have no desire to change. If I want to change how I feel, I clean. The cleaner and neater things get the better I feel. It has always been this way.
I will admit that wanting to go back and clean up a dream state is a new level of weird for me. I mean, really? Yep. I have this other perversion that has to do with hotel rooms...I am kind of piggish in them. I mean, it isn’t my space, so I kind of treat them like a very mild Spring Breaker. Leaving things out, clothes everywhere. I feel absolutely no compulsion to keep them tidy...mostly because they aren’t mine and there is always maid service...
I think the older you get you see yourself more clearly and deeply. I know why I am this way. Partly I was raised by a military officer...so things were always tended to and never relegated to a state that would be unfitting to an officer. My mom’s side of the family also has a long line of people with perfect houses and appearances. They also had a ban of animals which made keeping everything tidy a lot easier. I am not sure what it says about me that I have all these animals AND I am a total neat freak. It does keep me busy and out of trouble though.
I don’t see this issue of mine as a real problem mostly because I like the results it produces. Sure, it also causes issues, I have a tendency to lose my shit when things are out of order or messy. Ask my kids, they will tell you. I never want to have the state of the house more important than their feelings and comfort, but I will fully own that I have picked the house over them repeatedly.
This was not and is not an intentional choice. If I come home and there is disorder, I am unhinged and everything in me requires that I now get order over the disordered immediately and then my nervous system can calm down. Unfortunately I often behave badly. And even when I prepare myself and vow to do it differently, I can’t. I have been able to mediate myself a bit but the truth is that this is a life long issue for me and I am not sure it is ever going to change. Because I do not see a world where I am not going to need to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel cared for...and as fucked as it may be, the only way that I feel safe, secure and cared for is when my inner sanctum is neat, clean and tidy. No exceptions.
So yes, I am the person that dreams of returning to the dream for the sole person of neatening up. And I am sure that says a lot about me. And my issues. And my mental health. And I likely should have a little more shame about it but somehow any analysis of this particular issue always results in me feeling like the things it provides me outweigh the damage inflicted because of it. And while I am sure others may have other opinions, it is my inventory after all.
As the election grows nearer and this country gets sicker and weirder and more awful, you can be sure that my housekeeping will likely take on new epic proportions. Closets will be cleaned, things will be sorted. And this particular household will deal with the ensuing chaos the only way I know how: hours of time organizing, cleaning and neatening up. This is the most direct and clear route for me to safety and security.
Again...still.
The fuck is not really optional.
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