A woman was murdered three blocks from my house. They found her body on Friday afternoon after a neighbor called for a welfare check. The police ruled it a homicide and that is really all we know. I am so sad for her family and friends. I am sad for her kids, if she had them. I am so very disheartened that something like that could happen here...but it did and I guess, death finds us no matter where we are or go. We cannot out run death or heinous crimes no matter our zip code.
I will not lie, I am worried about my proximity. I am worried the police are not going to catch the killer. I am worried there might be more killing. I am just fucking on edge. I can’t stop thinking about her. How scared she must have been. How horrible for her neighbors to have something that tragic so close.
The truth is that it was likely someone she knew. Probably someone she dated or was married to...that is how most women are murdered. It is sad but factual. I just hope that whomever took her life is found and caught before they do something else to someone else.
I used to worry about things like this when I lived in DC. I even worried about it in Florida and other places I have lived. But here, in Ojai? Never. Never one single time. I guess I will worry about that here now too. I guess nowhere is safe.
It is an unsettling feeling. I feel like my peace and security has been disturbed. I feel scared and worried and would really like more information from the police. I would like to know other things that I guess I am just not meant to know now. I know I am not the only one scared. I know I am not alone in my panic and dread about this situation. I am sure many other people, women, are worried too.
So I guess I have to ask myself, “what are you going to do about your feelings of being in danger and lacking safety?” They are my feelings after all. I am going to ensure all my doors are locked. I am going to sleep with the windows closed and the doors securely closed. I am going to do what I can to make myself feel less vulnerable and more safe. I’m going to pray the person(s) who did this are caught. I am going to pray for all the people I know who live with this fear and danger every single day. I am going to realize we are never truly safe in this world; safety, like pretty much everything else, is a self created delusion that makes us feel secure and safe even though none of us really is or are, ever.
That is a hard mantle to live under...constantly everyday, this feeling of impending doom. Every addict I know feels like this. But every addict I know is doing shit to make their lives more risky and scary every day. Doesn’t change that it is a hard way to live.
I am going to do my best to feel safe and secure even though I don’t. I am going to realize that bad things happen everywhere, even sweet little Ojai. There is no place that is immune to the cruelty of man, the self righteousness that leads to seeing others as less than. I cannot ever get away from this fact of living. And the fact I have labored under this delusion for some time now, really is indicative of just how much of a bubble I live in...and now that bubble has been popped and all I want to do is try to get it back again.
I am doing my best to move forward in my own life, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I keep wishing someone would have heard something, someone would have intervened. Someone would have been able to save her. Death is a hard reality. And I have to own my own resistance to feeling it walking with me every day. I like to think death is something that waits for us at the end of a long tunnel, but it isn’t really. It is something that walks through life with us every minute we are alive. How can any of us cheat death when it lives with us every minute we are alive?
I guess, and it really is only a fucking guess, that I can attempt to live as fully as I can in each day and trust that the death that walks with me will let me know when it is my time. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the date of my time. We all have an expiration date and yet we live as if this is something we can all avoid.
I will own I do not like being on the backside of life. I find it a bit depressing and hard. But I will tell you I am coming to appreciate things so much more deeply. Like I got to live the first part of my life with such fury and motion and now I get to take the time to reflect on it all, to relive it, if you will. And see things that I missed when I was so busy living at top speed. Living is good but reflecting is almost better. And dang, the not giving a shit what people say about you anymore is pure fucking gold.
I guess I am grateful for the ability to reflect and own how safety is a con job really. We are never safe and always in peril. That is what it means to be alive. But also, even as death comes three blocks away, I am still blessed with afternoon walks with a close friend where we contemplate the horrors of the world and attempt to find a place within us that makes sense. I am blessed to have the ability to see that while there will always be horror and murder and rape and the like. There is a lot more of all the positive things here in this tiny town. And the community will support those who are suffering and scared and hurting. That is what we do here. And I pledge to continue to do my part to increase the community feeling of safety and security while praying whomever killed her is found and held responsible for their actions.
In the meantime, I will pray for comfort and solace to be given to those much closer than me to this tragedy. I will breathe in suffering and breathe out healing light...
Again, still.
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