I am feeling a little lost since the end of The Mansbatical. It was like I had a purpose to align my life with over the past year. I am struggling to find myself post ‘Batical...
There are so many things going on right now in the world and it is easy to feel a little more lost than found. I do feel that underneath it all there is a purpose: a loving, kind and guiding purpose that is going to help us all wake up and be more present in our lives.
I get deeper into my spiritual experience daily. Using the every day life to show me where I am broken or healed. Using the commonplace and banality of life to show me where I can use some work and where I can turn my attention elsewhere.
Lately, I have been seeing how my mind spins stories that are loosely based on fact. I feel afraid or insecure so I spin them all in this massive effort to make myself feel better about what is going on. Truth is that I am only right here, right now. The past is over and done and the future is going to be whatever it is going to be...But I can work on my present by minding what I think.
The most helpful and enlightening thing I can do is to realize that whatever it is that is happening (good, bad, ugly, hard, gut-wrenching, beautiful, sexy, hot, loving, hateful...) is all happening TO me so that it can happen FOR me. All these things that we experience in life are happening for a reason...every single day. No action is wasted in the spiritual realm. I am not punished for my actions so much as provided consequences to move me forward in ways that I need to be moved forward.
Life is not easy. It doesn’t always makes sense. I am living right now in a place where I can see that all the things that are being removed are needed to be let go. Lessons, although sometimes painful, are lessons that have only my higher, better purpose in mind.
And the main, taproot theme for me right now is worth. Seeing all the ways I cut myself down and off. All the ways that I accommodate to give others what they want while short changing myself in the process. And while it may seem that it so selfless, it isn’t. I have been living like this for five decades so that I can avoid being alone. If I just accommodate you, give to you and keep what I need secret and off the table, you likely won’t leave or disappoint me. And that ugly not so little truth is sitting on the end of my bed like a giant Irish Wolfhound...dogging me daily ensuring that I SEE my own conduct.
And I do see it.
You don’t have to drag me down, I descend.
Pretty hard stuff. BUT - I am super excited about seeing it. Because I didn’t for a very long time. I just did it and there was no thinking or really feeling in it. But now, now I see it every single time I do it. And I can see how I have used it to hold others hostage while keeping them forever at arm’s length. This has allowed me to appear honest while really living a life that is way less than honest. Because when you are really honest about yourself and your needs, one can often find oneself standing alone. And THAT is what I have avoided all my life. Saying or doing something that is honest for me, that will cause YOU to walk away...
I can see now that all this time I kept people close to me with a lot of fanfare and bullshit. I didn’t speak whatever the fuck my truth was because I wanted you to be here until I was ready for you to leave. And that is fundamentally dishonest...and I do not want to live that way anymore. Even if it means I live alone forever.
I am very grateful to be minding what I think because it is my thoughts that get me off track every time. My story spinning abilities much over developed. I am going to do my best to live in this day right here, love those that are in my life, no matter how tangentially, offering up love, truth and freedom to all I encounter. Realizing that none of you stay because I make you, you stay because you love me and I, you. And that seems like a much more honest and stable base than the way I have been doing it for years.
“Mindfulness allows us to watch our thoughts, see how one thought leads to the next, decide if we’re heading toward an unhealthy path, and if so, let go and change directions.” Sharon Salzberg
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