Tribal Reunion weekend in Palm Springs is coming to an end. It was hot and so were we.
We shopped
We ate
We pooled
We sunbathed
We talked
We laughed
We loved
We slept
I forget how much the heat drains you. But it was kind of perfect for me, to just be stationary, well as close as I ever get to that, for a weekend. I had to work the whole time we were here but it was manageable and I was able to dedicate the mornings before work to my own self care stuff and then spend the day fun adjacent while I helped people in my job, while being present to the degree I could for Tribal fun.
It is weird to think that all of us have been friends for almost eight years now. I mean some of the relationships span a much longer time period. But collective as a group it has been eight years come September. A lot has happened in the last eight years...
We have seen each other through so much:
Divorce
Career changes
Child rearing
Solo child rearing
Adolescence drama (our own and our children’s)
Dating
Relationships ending and beginning
Death (way too much of that I am afraid)
Mental health crises (our own and others we love)
Health scares
Marriages
Births
Heartbreak
Love
A Fire
A Mudslide
Moves
Relocations
Fear
Depression
Sadness
Anxiety
Aging
For the last eight years, these women have been riding all of the ups and downs of life with me. Daily. Through our text thread we remain connected as the minutia of life provides its pleasures and pains.
This weekend was a reconnection, an effort to bring the band back together since two of our five have moved onto to other geographic locales. And it was perfect to be done in Palm Springs. Where the only thing hotter than us (at least in our minds anyway) was the weather.
Just writing that made me feel so vulnerable. I am not a person who thinks of herself like that - MILFY and hot. I mean, I guess I am, if I believe what others tell me. And collectively, I can attest that The Tribe is absolutely gorgeous from the inside out. But me, I am the loner who has struggled so hard with this friendship. I do not seem to have what it takes to be part of, forever pushing myself to the outside. And they have loved me anyway. Despite all my disconnection, they have made me a part of even when I was sure that I didn’t want to be.
And I am immensely grateful to them for that. And also for this collective owning of hot MILFYness. I have this tendency to think of myself in a negative light. Always hyper critical. But these women, who own their power and beauty gave me my own sense of style and grace that I never was capable of achieving on my own. And a level of comfort in my own skin that I never possessed before them.
I have always known who I am. And I have always been largely unimpressed. Constantly seeking connection but never being really sure how to do it. In this Tribal relationship, I have come into my own. These women have helped me find who I am and have given me courage and esteem that I lacked prior to their entrance in my life.
I grew up always comparing myself to others and falling way short. And I lacked confidence, most especially in my physical appearance. And in sex appeal. I knew that I had it on some level but felt so insecure about it and also was completely unsure how to use it, or really even what to do with it.
These women taught me. They, with their own insecurities, showed me how to come to love yourself, your body, your skin, your style, your personage, as you are. Flaws and all and still be able to own that they are beautiful, wonderful and amazing. And MILFY.
This whole post is super uncomfortable for me. This owning of this sex appeal and womanliness. It feels wrong or bad or an open invitation for posts about how wrong I am about this, not them, just me.
I never seem to be able to feel comfortable and sexy at the same time. I can have one but not the other. But these women showed me what that looks like and I have come to a new place of acceptance because of them. And I am immensely grateful.
I have watched us all evolve, grow up, age and become more refined versions of ourselves in this friendship. We honor each other while also challenging each other to reach farther and higher. I used to feel like the ugly step sister in this group. Today I feel like I am just one of them. No better, no worse. And that is a huge evolutionary shift for me.
What I have observed this weekend is that we have all come into our own, and that has made us happier in our own individual lives.
I joke that we are MILFS in heat, I mean, we are, literally it was 112 here in Palm Springs. But we have been in heat since we met. Middle aged women unleashed unto singled life in the middle of our lives while we attempted to navigate child rearing, working, dating, falling in love, heartbreaking losses and continuing, always continuing to grow and stretch to meet the demands of our lives.
We have taught each other how to do this with style, grace and a sense of fun that is unparalleled. We have done it badly at times, but we have done it. And most of the time, we show up to every event, looking like we expect a red carpet to be there. And I am not sure why I needed this, but I did and do.
I think having childhood trauma, then exacerbated with adolescent trauma, I was stunted. I was waylaid. I was caught somewhere between a child and woman. Being expected to engage in the world as a woman but with a stilted and nascent grasp of femaleness. These fierce beauties taught me so much about being female. And while the title of the blog throws a popular term for woman our age around, we are so much more than our self proclaimed MILF status.
We are in heat. In the best ways. We are on fire, in our lives, in our parenting, in our work lives, we are women on fire with love, and passion and grace and style and sex appeal. And I would not be who I am today without each of them, and I would also not be me without my own willingness to be a part of something greater than me which is The Tribe.
I love who I am today more deeply and with more passion than I ever have and I have each of these women to thank for that. I needed this friendship, this sisterhood, this Tribal whateverthefuck it is. It has been a huge part of my becoming. They have healed me on levels that I wasn’t even aware that I needed healing. And taught me how to love myself on levels I didn’t even know I had.
To wrap up, I love them. Each of them, and collectively. Thank you for loving me, teaching me, holding me accountable, supporting me, challenging me, vexing me, and demanding that I show up for this challenge that is our friendship. I would have (and actually have several times) not let this happen, I would have check the no box. But you all refused to let that happen and I am grateful to you and for you.
MILFS in heat is fun and funny but there is an earnestness that belies the jokes and fun. A deep connection that has guided me and supported me in times where I was not sure that I would make it. And they arrived with their quirky, weird sexiness to help me through. And taught me how to do the same when it was my turn to show up for them.
I love that we not go quietly into the crone phase of our lives. Instead, conjuring up the inner beauty and light that society only reserves for younger women, and we have made that our own. And today, my growth is that I can publish sometimes like this, while being totally fearful of the commentary that might follow, calling me out for being full of myself or just dead fucking wrong. But I have learned that sexy, womanly MILFYness isn’t about what shows up on the outside, it is the way you feel about yourself on the inside and no one can take that from you, not even the years or gravity with their wrinkles and sagging. Beauty, style and grace and even sex appeal, in its best and truest form, always comes from deep within. And I am forever grateful for these women teaching me where it resided within me.
To All the ladies in the Place with style and Grace
Biggie
(By Big E)
Long Live The Tribe...
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