Ok John, I am finally getting to it! (My friend John was like, “Dude, when are you going to write about this??).
Ok, so can we all just accept the premise that online dating sucks, except for the fact that it allows you to potentially meet people that you never would in the real world, which turns out to be a blessing and a gift!
So I have been a peruser of the online dating world for a long time. Always unwillingly. My first experience, my friend Kim signed me up in my early 30s when she feared for my sanity when I left Washington, DC and moved to the middle of New Mexico...on a ranch 45 minutes from a town. She was sure I was going to live the life of a hermit forever. And she just didn’t want that for me. God bless her! So for my birthday she gifted me a three month subscription to whatever the fuck we were using back in 2001.
I mostly used it to meet anyone at all. I mean I lived so remotely that there was literally nowhere for me to meet anyone, ever. My drive to work was 45 minutes and the office was in almost as remote a place as I lived. If I wanted to date an elk or coyote, I would have had better options.
So very reluctantly, I gave it a try. Made some really good friends. And met my ex-husband and that was that. Then was out of the online game until we separated in 2015. A lot change in that intervening 14 years. A LOT.
Since 2015, I have been a sporadic user. Usually I go on for two weeks, spend the first week energized and jazzed about all the prospects, and by the second week I hate all of humanity and want to kill myself and everyone else.
Last year I decided to give it a go one more time and have had the same feelings but decided to treat it more like an experiment instead of a quick dopamine hit. The results have largely been similar. Not really. The results have been good. Again, I have met some really interesting, good men. No crazy weirdos. But I am sure the day is young...
What I believe I see is that men are no better suited for this world than we are. For the most part, busy people with busy lives are trying to find a connection out there and are having largely the very same, very mixed results. The only people that are really doing well and over served in the online dating world are the sex addicts and compulsives. They are lining up like three sex dates a night. How do I know this? Because I match with them on occasion and because I find them fascinating, I become their friend and a voyeur in their world of sex and insanity. And the insane comment is not a judgment, I am a “let you freak flag fly” kind of person. But the shit I have heard from these men on a sexual quest is bananas.
The players (male and female) also do well in this environment. The cheaters and polyamorous people also seem to fair well. Online dating, turns out, is a great format for hook ups and sex. No joke, if you are looking, you can set that shit up in a day. In an hour, if you are female.
So I have viewed a great many men’s profiles. And I have to say that this has become emblematic of all that I do not understand about men. What they post and why vexes me and makes me wonder if men aren’t really from another planet.
Here are the top contenders from men and whatever the fuck they are thinking...
The Fish Guy
Men post (and I do mean plural) photos of them with fish. Large fish, small fish, freshwater fish and saltwater fish. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why??? I know of very few women who are enchanted with fish and the ones that I do know that are fisherwomen are lesbians. So...
I do not understand in your quest for love and intimacy why the fuck you would ever, post a photo of you and a fish. Consider your audience dudes! If you want to attract men, Grinder is the site for that...if you want to attract women, post literally anything else.
The Car Guy
Ok, so maybe not anything else...because the next classification of men’s online profiles is them standing next to some random expensive car. Which immediately makes me wonder whose car that actually is? I mean, just because they are standing next to it or even sitting in it, doesn’t conjure up ownership! And seriously guys, do you know the kind of women this kind of post attracts? Gold diggers. That is all. The rest of womankind is just happy if you have a car. We care not at all about the make, model or how much ridiculous cash you spent on it. It is a mode of transportation. The non-gold diggers give no fucks about the kind of car you drive.
The Trying to Be Cute and Funny But it Just Comes Off All Wrong Guy
There are things to send to your friends who know you and those kinds of photos you do NOT post on your dating profile. I know it seemed like a good idea when you were horny and all jacked up at midnight when you created the profile, but seriously, a photo of you acting like a lunatic, in a compromising position or basically doing something that is just fucking weird, isn’t cute or funny. We do not know you so it just makes us think you are a creepy weirdo. Save that aspect of your personality for a couple months in...it will land better.
The Vacation Hot Spot Guy
Posts all these photos of beautiful places around the world, no one in the actual photos and no idea what the guy might look like at all. Again, this is gold digger fodder. Posting these kinds of photos is only going to attract the kind of woman that expect you are going to take her to these places, on your dime. This is a transaction, not a dating situation.
The Photos with Their Kid Guy.
No, just no! Why must you use your children as relational fodder? FUCK! This is so wrong! Your kids deserve to be kids and not used as some sort of prop to make you seem like you are a good person! Also, lose the language that your kids are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE! We get that, we likely have kids ourselves. We are not trying to date to find a good step parent. We are dating to find someone we can relate to and maybe build a future with. The kids and all they entail can come later. Rule of law here - fine to say you have them and their ages, but leave the photo op out until some later date when it isn’t creepy and weird. And your child’s photo is not being compromised and serving as some sort of prop in your fucked up struggle to get a date.
The Random Photo that Isn’t Even Identifiable Guy
Ok, we see you. It is the zoomed in photo of a stalk of celery or ant or some other fucking weird ass thing. We see this photo that makes no sense and we just swipe left and keep on moving. The reason you are getting nothing back is because you are offering nothing of value. Stop it. Please.
The Sport Photo Guy
Now I might be in a minority here, but I don’t love these. Watching you swing a golf club or running isn’t all that attractive to me. Nice to know you are athletic, but I don’t really want to see the photos. For me, I hate golf so that is an automatic turn off. I also hate the biking photos. While I will admit that I have a completely random and irrational disinterest in guys that bike, what it says to us women is that you are going to be spending all of your free time on the course or charging up mountains and have no time to spend with us. And if you make some adjustments to your weekend pastimes in order to spend time with us, you will ultimately blame us. We want you to be well rounded, without all the obsession, please.
The 50 Shades of Grey Guy
Ok, we get it. You are into BDSM. Cool. That is great. And for those women out there, (and they are out there) that are into it too, you all will have a lovely time. For most other women, it just makes the dating world seem weird and kinky (not in a good way) and unsafe. Start your own site for this. It will yield better results and the rest of humankind doesn’t have to wonder exactly what you are planning on doing with that mask and rope. (This also goes for all the poly and ENM people - please get your own site - I am so tired of hearing of how you are with the love of your life, your “bestie” but are now trolling the internet to bring someone else into your already perfect fucking life. Stop it! Please. It absolutely dashes to pieces any semblance of faith in love and fidelity and intimacy the rest of us are clinging to).
The I Have No Fucking Idea What the Guy Was Thinking Guy
I have screenshots of profiles of men that I, for the life of me, can’t figure out what the fuck they were thinking. There is one, where this guy, I guess a farmer, thought it would be super intriguing to women to post photos of him holding onions he grew in suggestive way. NO. Just fucking no! It is weird. It is not likely to ever land you a date and no one wants to see your onions...online or likely ever. We don’t care. Sorry, find another hook because that one is never, ever going to cut it.
Ok, now that I have railed on and on about what you guys are doing WRONG! What do we want to see?
You. Photos of you unfiltered. If you are 75, look 75. It is ok, some of us love that. If you are heavy and a large man, give us your best selfie (clothes on) and trust that most women I know love a linebacker physique. Be you. Look like your photos. Don’t let us down posting photos (any at all) when you are 35 and now 60. We want to know who we are going out with today, and we will spend the evening looking for the 35 year old to show up and not recognize you at all when you actually show up. (This also applies to women...ladies don’t catfish the guy. If you are heavy, out of shape, sagging, aging poorly, fucking just post if and get on with it. There is a wrench for every nut...I promise)
Photos of you (selfies are totally ok) enjoying the fuck out of your life. A lovely sunset, a beautiful vista that you have actually traversed (not some photoshopped bullshit). We want to see you, living your best life and being happy. This could include cars and fish, but the leaving off the gratuitous dead fish or designer moniker. You sitting in a boat on a lovely lake or you driving in your car, hair blowing in the breeze, these are gold. This would also include sports. But not with the accompanying “I live for golf or dirt biking”. We want to see you living your life, a well rounded, whole life. One photo of these activities is great, more is just boring.
You with your friends. This is a hard one. Often times you post all photos with you and your friends and we can’t tell which one has the actual profile. I can’t tell you how many times I have looked at like five photos of three men and thought, “cool that one is hot...” Only to then find out with the very last photo that it is not someone you would ever go out with at all. You can’t trick us, we have earned our degrees. We see through this... But one photo with you and your buddies is cool. We like seeing that you a. Have friends. b. Are sociable. c. Leave your house.
You with family - save these for later. Don’t use your family as fodder for online dating. It is in poor taste.
You with other women - no, just no. It doesn’t matter if she is your sister. No women I know wants to see a prospective date with someone else. Ever. There are no exceptions to this.
We don’t need 400 hundred photos showing you in every aspect of your life. We do not want to read (and most of us don’t) read an online dating profile that resembles War and Peace. Just give us enough to light our interest and want to know more. Dating is supposed to be seductive. That is part of this whole thing.
In general know this, women also want the hot kinky fuckery. We may want it more than you or less. But we can figure that out later in the dating process. If this is all you are looking for, say that and let us move along.
We do not expect perfect. Those of us over 50 have had life adjust all of our expectations. We expect you to have made horrible decisions. To have tried and failed a lot. We do expect that you are going to be able to own this. And you should expect the same from us. No one makes it to 50 without a whole host of things we now know we could have done better. Be real about that. It is ok. We are not expecting perfection. Hell, on a good day, we are barely expecting a pulse.
Be a fucking grown up. If you want sex and that is all. Say it. You might be surprised how many of us might only want that too. You don’t have to gaslight us into submission, you could just ask and receive. If you are dating several women, tell us that. We can handle it. And if we can’t you should know that from the get go. It is called dating...other people are implied. Just be honest.
Sure, if you are honest some of us are going to be out. But isn’t that what you want? To weed and comb through the masses of womankind to find one of us that actually gets you? Sees you? Hears you? Understands you? Start with a truth, no matter how brutal and you will reap the rewards. I promise.
Deal with your shit. We all have it. Trauma, unhealed parts of ourselves. Just own yours. We will do the same. Perhaps maybe even we can provide each other safe passage or a haven to heal some more. If we all started treating dating like a balm to soothe our souls instead of our genitals, we might all find some lasting happiness and peace in the arms of another.
Be real. Be honest. Be nice. It isn’t hard. Ok, maybe it is a little hard, but I promise it is way less hard than what you are currently doing...and much more likely to yield better results.
If you want pointers, hit me up. I will help you. Think of it as my amends to all the men I previously treated with disdain or contempt or an unhealed part of myself. I owe you, mankind, that. I do, I was a real shit in my earlier life. Which is why I write what I do now. I really want to be a voice and source for change. So many people trying and failing at love repeatedly. I see the parade of love’s demise through my office daily. And I have learned a thing or two. From men, from women, from living, from loving and from dating. I am happy to share what I have learned and in turn to learn more from you.
Loving, and so dating, is a spiritual practice designed to grow us into the next best version of ourselves, but it cannot be this without our cooperation, accountability and willingness to hear and see some large, hard truths about the way we are going about it.
Again...still.
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