I don’t know about you but I am forever not living where I am. I live so much of my life in the past or future tripping into whatever the fuck my mind wants to entertain as my future. As if, my thinking it can make it come true...and most of MY future tripping is about YOU being different, better than you currently are...so, yeah, the future is bright if you would just stop being annoying about it.
However, this past week, I have very much lived within my days. I am not out ahead of myself and I am not reliving old shit that doesn’t matter as I can’t change it. But this week, all week long, I have lived in the moment as best I can. And I will tell you it has been the best week I have had in a very long time...
I don’t know why I resist living in the present...I have yet to inventory the present moment and find it grossly lacking, I mean, sure I might desperately want it to be different, but the way my life is these days, I am blessed to live in a place that is beautiful, safe, inviting and relatively drama free (with the exception of inside my head which is always up for grabs). And because I have committed to living in the present all week long, my head has calmed down and then so too have my emotions because I am not in a constant state of war with my own reality...
Imagine that!
There is peace in the here ad now.
There is love.
There is equanimity.
There is balance.
There is calm.
There is serenity.
There is a palpable lack of fear.
Imagine that - hiding all the good shit inside the one place that most of us avoid...the present moment!
As always in my life, when I stretch myself to grow and do the short term uncomfortable thing, I gain immense reward. It is never easy and always seems like my long standing, hard charging way of living serves me better, but, they, upon closer examination, do not. Ever.
This moment right here is the only one that counts. What I do now, effects everything that comes after and while the past absolutely has its tentacles around the person I am in this moment, when I give that "herstory" a nod of recognition I find that she and all her neuroses do not make too hard terms for the Erin that exists and lives and writes this today. The old wounded, beaten and bruised me, seems only to need that nod of recognition for all the suffering in order to not make the herstorical, a current ongoing present day issue.
I don’t know why I am amazed...but I am.
I find myself wondering, with actual fascination and amazement, how did I get so far off course?
Again...still.
Fuck.
But I did and do, and at least for today, I am willing to just chalk that up to being human. I remember then I forget and as I age this whole remembering and forgetting thing is only going to get worse...
But my salvation is always in the here and now...where I am dressed, fed, healthy, loved and loving, present and accountable...
One mo time... I return to my ongoing mantra -
Again...still. No fucks needed or given.
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