Getting up every day and giving it all you have got is hard. Not doing that is also hard.
Working out is hard but the consequences of not taking care of yourself are also hard.
Loving is hard but not loving is also hard.
Being vulnerable is hard, but so is never letting anyone else in.
Seems to me that our lives are made up of a never ending series of hard choices. Those choices either lead us to our whole, most authentic selves or some lesser self that feels easier at the time.
How many times have I accepted less from people because it seemed like the easier choice, only to find myself in a relationship with that person where my needs are not met or even really up for discussion. Where was my hard choice? It was right there at the beginning where I choose to accept less in order for the chance, the slight but ever hopeful chance, that this time it would be different.
How many times have I eaten the easy, convenient sweet thing that has no nutritional value because I was too lazy to make something healthier? How many times have I wished that my body looked different due to poor eating choices but then been unwilling to do anything about it. Which was the harder choice? Eating the crap or living with the results?
How many times have I been in a relationship and thought that being in another relationship or out of this one would be easier? How many times have I been wrong?
How many times have I bought the thing and then paid the financial price of that? Which was harder, maintaining the thing or paying the cost?
Life is full of hard choices.
Marriage Hard. Divorce Hard.
Sober Hard. Drunk Hard.
Wounded Hard. Healing Hard.
Loving Hard. Hating Hard.
Caring Hard. Not caring hard.
Staying is hard. Leaving is hard.
Seems like the effort is the same in either direction...so why do I choose (we choose) to move towards a lesser goal when the effort is likely the same to move toward the greater one?
We can all choose our hard. Being alone is hard. Being in a loving relationship is hard. Why do we choose isolation over doing the work to give us connection with another?
Seems to me that every decision I make is creating opportunities for connection. I can always get above or below the storyline my ego is spinning and see ways that I can connect with another but still so often refuse (and it usually is a stubborn refusal) to do it.
So I start this day choosing my hard. May I move in a direction of my truest, most authentic self...with the goal that the courage to do that brings me closer to you and picking the hard that gets me where I actually want to go...because I know all too well that there is no easier, softer way. All the ways are hard. So I might as well choose the hard that is moves me forward into a place where I grow and change and heal.
It is a long damn life, if we are lucky, and we fuck it up repeatedly...but the great thing about living is that we can always make a new choice to head in a new direction and link arms with the fear and move forward anyway. Even if it is hard.
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