I saw a post about this on Facebook the other day. It is attributed to Anthony Hopkins. But I do not know if that is factually accurate. It was a much longer piece, but this is what grabbed me and pulled me up short. This commonplace thing that we all do with people who are not willing (or sometimes able) to love us. We twist ourselves up, shrink ourselves down, become someone (anyone) other than who we are in order to get something from someone that should come so easily, but doesn’t.
Or it isn’t in the package that we want, or in the right form. Or the right time. Fuck that is likely the hardest one of all, the person feels right, but you (or they) are not ready. Nothing really to do with you, but they are unavailable, or you are and even though you want to love them, you just can’t. Or they can’t. That blows.
The truth is that not everyone can meet you where you are, with who you are. And the inclination seems to be, really almost a compulsion, is to meet someone who lights you up, who rocks your world, and then do everything you can to make that work. But my experience has been, that you cannot force a true soul connection. That comes and then it goes sometimes but there is nothing I can do to make that happen. It just is or it isn’t. And there are so many people that cross your path, and so many of them, are just not able to meet you where you are or want to head in the direction you are headed. Or maybe they really do want to, but they can’t. They just aren’t there, or able, or are too unwilling to face their demons.
I have been around long enough to see that my inclination when someone disses me, is to dig in, work harder. Push, cajole, like their mistreatment of me, is some sort of gauntlet being laid down, and now, it is my mission in life to make them love me, or like me, or appreciate me. And it feels like this is my life’s purpose. And, sadly, it has been all too often.
But I have begun to change. I have turned the corner. And I have begun, at least much sooner in the process, to see that this will always be my default but I can begin to change that. I can alter course, I can do it differently.
It has been a process, and one that is totally currently in process, to allow those that do not love me, may not like me, aren’t interested in me, to just leave my life, wish them well, and carry on. Move on and allow them to do the same. Not with anger, injury or revenge, but with an open heart and mind, hoping beyond all hope that we both, now parted, are able to better find that which we need, someone to love us for who and what we are.
This is my life’s work. For sure. Absolutely. I have been learning this lesson (poorly) for the whole of my life. But I am learning it. And now when people leave and there is this tidal wave of codependent self centeredness that triggers me into all kinds of crazy making behaviors, I am able, much sooner than ever before, to stop, drop and roll into something new, some new sort of behavior that allows for the person who I really wanted to love me, to just not. And for me to spend the time instead of trying to make them want me, to turn the attention towards myself and find out why I am having this reaction, what is being brought up for me and how can I turn this into a situation where I love myself better, more deeply and in a gentle way.
It isn’t easy. The past and pathways are ingrained in me. I am a deep thinker, feeler and worker. But I can make small adjustments in the way that I think, and this one, this commitment to letting those people who aren’t willing to love me, go, that is a life changer right there. Which I have found, allows for so much more room, for those who do want to love me, and show up for me and I them.
I never realized how much energy it takes to hold someone to you when they want to go. But I do now. And even though it is painful, it is so much easier to let them go. Just release them and the energy you might expend working so hard to hold them close to you.
I deserve that energy and those that do the work to be close to me deserve that energy and commitment from me. And I can see now, that which I could not see before...that the ones that are worth holding onto are the ones that will match your effort. They will show up for you and love you even at your most unloveable and remind you of all that you are is wonderful in even your most unwonderful moments. These are the keepers. These are your people, your tribe. They see you and match you and joyfully do the work to stay in your life.
And that is energy well spent, every single time. Letting go is often hard work but sometimes it isn’t hard at all. You trust that you are being pushed, guided and loved into a new life that supports all this growth and change and love that comes your way. And that feels amazing which in turn makes the letting go not so hard at all.
You speak truth. And yet so hard to accomplish. Work and repeat.