This is the place where all growth happens. It is the place where what is routine, easy and unchallenging morphs into something just beyond our grasp. This place where we are challenged but the challenge is not so great as to feel overwhelming, hard and unattainable.
If things are too easy, we fail to grant them significance and we also tend not to work for things that appear like we already have them. Similarly, if things are too hard, beyond manageable difficult, then we quit, the task or ask too hard and so we stop. Sometimes after just a tiny bit of effort, sometimes after a great deal of effort.
I heard of this concept from James Clear who wrote the book “Atomic Habits.” (Great book by the way.) I am not sure if he is the one that came up with this concept, but he is who I heard it from so he is getting the credit. He used the phrase talking about how to change your habits or better said, how you alter your behavior to begin doing something or cease doing something, and that very thin line between success and failure.
Of course I am going to apply it to relationships...
This appears to be the operative force in relational dynamics as well. If someone is too hard and difficult, we give up and move on. If someone is too easy and appeasing, we similarly move on due to boredom or mostly because we fail to appreciate how lovely someone who doesn’t vex us at every turn actually is. This principle of just manageable difficulty seems to be applicable in our human interactions as well.
I want someone who will challenge me. I do not want a yes man. I do not want someone who caters to my every whim. That is boring and I will walk all over him, ruining both of us. I also do not want someone who is so difficult and challenging that I am in a constant state of fight or flight. I just had that relationship and it sucked ass. Never again.
So it would appear we are all looking for that person that walks this line between being so difficult we just can’t and the person who is so easy that we are bored and uninterested. The relational success seems to be right across the line of just manageable difficulty.
What might that look like in a relationship?
Long distance would suffice. But perhaps it can’t really be a 42 time zone long distance thing. Maybe two or three time zones kind of difficult.
Trauma could also be a difficulty, yours and theirs. But both of you would have to be willing and able to look at your trauma and handle it while also being willing to assist the other with theirs. If you don’t have these skills, then I am telling you that over 50 dating is not for you. You are gonna be alone forever! HAHA - kidding...well, not really.
You are a morning person and they are a night owl. As long as there is respect and a time where both of you are awake enough to enjoy the relationship, it can work.
I mean we all want to find our person. We all want to find that person that lights us up and makes us feel safe and loved and adored and complete. But we also want a person that forces us to be our best selves, that pushes us to do better, to be better. But there is a thin line here also, we want a partner that propels us forward without being critical and demeaning. It is a razor thin line...to be clear.
It is nice to have a concept to go with the practice. Dating looks a little different when I can better qualify what I am looking for. I do not want to date someone who makes my life so easy that I very quickly mistake all that accommodation for weakness. I also do not want to date someone who makes just having coffee in the morning hard and challenging. There appears to be a sweet spot and I think I am going to set my sights on that.
I guess this also applies to my efforts to change how I date, who I date and my whole dating strategy. I think it might be time for me to review and revise this also. Perhaps I have been failing on my side of things to challenge myself enough to produce better results and perhaps I have been a little too demanding also. Vacillating back and forth between the two extremes leaving me too exhausted to even recognize the sweet spot if I might actually find it within myself.
I guess what I am trying to say is that perhaps I need to spend some time with my own just manageable difficulty levels and see where I am on this whole deal. Am I too challenging to be worth the effort? Am I too easy that I am under appreciated? I am pretty sure I am in the former category...no one I know that knows me would ever describe me as “easy” going. I am a hard charger...that is just who I am. But maybe I could be a little less so...I am not sure but it is worth the thoughtful reflection.
And all of this does not mean that I should fundamentally change me, but perhaps my own growth, personally and relationally, also occurs right on this line of just manageable difficulty. And that if I want to change my dating habits, I might need to reflect a little more on my own just manageable difficulty levels...
Again...still.
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