I intended to write about more of an existential “waking up” this morning but the events of THIS morning force me to at least start off with how I woke up this morning...
I have some cats...the exact number is confidential, unless you are trying to date me, then I will reveal the actual number (you get to know the crazy before you buy the ticket)...anyway, for reasons not quite clear, most of the cats got outside last night while we were sleeping. This is not a normal or usual thing, the cats are all indoors...yes, I do know this makes me sound even crazier. Anyway, I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom as I do every morning, and was not greeted by my usual cat morning welcoming crew, and I immediately knew something was wrong. And I was right.
It took an hour to round them all up, but one is still missing. We are hopeful that when light comes and when breakfast has been served, he will make an appearance. Mostly they were terrified and wanted back in...except this one who seems relatively content wherever he is hiding.
So this is how I woke up this morning...in a slow rising tide of panic. The realization that they were gone kind of a crescendo of waking up today...the realization becoming more clear with every footfall I made towards the kitchen.
It is not my favorite way to wake up...like at all. I prefer a much slower stumble towards the coffee pot...to be clear.
But, nevertheless, this is how I woke up today. And now that I am having coffee, alerted to the ever hopeful sounds of the last cat reappearing, I can see that today’s wake up is pretty metaphorical for the whole concept of waking up that I was planning on writing about...
Sometimes we wake up in our lives and it a slow gradual unfolding...and sometimes the alertness and consciousness comes in a frenzied panic. Sometimes the realizations of our own dysfunction is a gradual dawning, and other times, it is more like waking up from being passed out on the beach in July, bright, glaring, confusing and uncomfortable.
I have had a lot of experience with both kinds of waking up, actually. And I will tell you I prefer the slower, gradual one more. A slow lapping of change of perspective, rather than my whole existence and nervous system being ADDRESSED at once. This morning’s cat revelry no different.
I begin each day pretty much the same. I will not bore you with my morning routine again since I have written and shared it innumerable times. But each day, the alarm goes off, way too early, and I begin. Some days I have already started writing before I am even awake and I kind of float through the morning routine in a foggy haze, some sort of fuze state between the conscious and the unconscious. And other mornings, I am met with clarity immediately or shortly after waking. Gratefully, I tend to get more days of gradual and slow rather than alarming and crisis oriented.
I have also woke up in my life a lot. Sort of living on some sort of autopilot for awhile only to have this kind of sleeping walking through life thing, get addressed in some large or small way: the day I knew I had to get sober, the day I knew I had to leave my husband, the day I knew I was pregnant, the next time I knew I was pregnant, the day I graduated from law school after spending pretty much the entire time there drunk as shit. Those were pretty large wake ups. Then there are the no less profound smaller ones: the day I knew my ex was cheating, the day I knew I had to leave my job, the day I knew my kids were lying to me, the day I knew, well, pretty much anything else.
I have been waking up every day and then as the day comes around In full force and merit, I continue to wake up in a myriad of ways with varying methodologies and roll outs.
I guess what I want to say is that I like waking up. It is a fresh start, a clean slate. With every new daybreak, comes the opportunity for me to more fully live in this life I have. The more conscious and deep my connection can be to the people and animals in my life. The better I can come to know myself and heal my brokenness. The more often I get to be of service to those about me...
I am deeply and profoundly grateful for all the wake ups in my life even though during some of them, I was not at all grateful and was, in fact, quite horrified during the actual rising process (like today for example).
All week long I haven’t known what I wanted to say about waking up...and then this hit this morning and it became clear. I love that life does this, it just takes care of things. It just makes them front and center and provides you a path forward where, just moments earlier, you had no idea what was going to happen...
I am grateful for all the wake ups in my life. The fact that I have literally gotten to wake up every single day I have so far. And that I know another wake up is never promised. I like that when I sit on the cushion in meditation, take a shower, go on a long hike, walk the beach, travel solo, or am immersed in this life, somewhat well lived, that I get other chances to wake up and begin again. I have started over a lot in my life, and every one of those fresh starts was the result of one sort of wake up or another.
I am grateful for the change of perspective, the change of location, the change of scenery as much as I am the monotony of daily living. There is such peace to be found in the ordinary routine wake up of every day...and there is much growth to be had in the minute, or drastic wake ups that occur once we are conscious, coffee in hand, ready to begin the day or shortly before that when we are barely functional.
I pray my little orange cat comes back. I pray that this whole morning ordeal comes as a wake up to the person that left the door open...I pray that I continue to seek to wake up each day and all day every day. Waking up is one of the best parts of living...even when I am tired, frustrated, depressed and uninterested in life as it is unfolding, waking up is a fucking gift and I know that with every fiber and sinew of my being.
Being able to wake up is the ultimate generosity of living...and sure as hell beats the alternative.
Again...still.
Always.
PS - the last cat is now home safely...making today’s wake up fucking amazing. Thank you cat returning God! I am so grateful!
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