It is a pretty distinguished list:
Jack (as in Daniels)
Jameson (as in Whiskey)
Johns (whole lotta heartbreak there, not "clients" if you know what I mean)
Jesus (yes that guy)
Jeffs (couple of bad luck strikes there)
Certainly not the only men that I have had issue with in my life. But I was thinking last night and this list came to me. I have had my fair issues with men and the letter J.
Jack and Jameson lifted me so high and then made me a dependent fool. Desperate for them in ways that were unhealthy and destructive. They gave a lot in the beginning but were takers both in the end. Taking things that I didn’t even know I had to give. Decimating my self worth, esteem and ability to have even a glancing acquaintance with courage and strength.
Johns - a more well balanced relationship but unfortunately heavily influenced by Jack and Jameson. One I broke his heart and the other broke mine. Both relationships ruined, at least in part, due to the rapaciousness of my relationship with both Jack and Jameson.
Me and Jesus were never on good terms. I tried as a kid, going to his houses of worship, praying to be relieved of all that pained me. But, instead of relief, I only got more troubled. Heavier in my belief that I was not worthy of the salvation promised at the doors of his temples.
So I shut those doors and never went there again. Closing off and shutting down anything and everything that might evoke his name, his presence or his father.
Jeffs has really been a mixed bag. I have known some good ones and I have known one that I wish that I had never met. Taking things from me that were not his to take. On the whole, the other Jeffs have been stand up guys. The first one just left such a bad taste that the name is sullied for the days that remain.
I so wish the above list really outlined and encapsulated the men with which I have had issue with in my life. It would require all the letters, not just J. And it would be a much more painful blog to write, taking up way too much space and more intimacy than I am comfortable sharing today.
Today’s blog is really the outgrowth of an idea that struck me while sitting in a meeting. How much my reliance, belief and commitment to Jack and Jameson really set me up for a whole bunch of failure with men born of flesh and not from smoky barrels stored in warehouses worldwide.
How much the presence of Jack and Jameson in my life ruined pretty much everything else, while I believed their every lie. The liquid courage spreading like wildfire in my veins. I loved them fiercely and cared not at all what their cost. I paid the price and lied the lie. The toll was great and the debt deep. But I would pay whatever price required for another ounce to bring to my lips.
And to some greater or lesser degree, I have carried on those same traits with every flesh born man I have met since. Tripping over all the bullshit that I believed as truth. Recreating them in my mind to better suit my purposes. Ignoring the factual realities that stood before me, naked, bare and bold.
But if my life has been about anything, it has been about making peace with all the men listed above. I had to leave and walk from Jack and Jameson. Leaving them forever in their musky barrel shaped graves. It was them or me and that shall forever remain a fact of my life.
The Johns have been a plague. The one that I maimed weighs heavy on my heart to this day. Knowing that he deserved much better than I could muster. Feeling the regret for my inability to love him back. And the other John, a ghost really, in that he was never really present to begin with. Just another fantasy stoked and encouraged by my ongoing affair with Jack and Jameson. Heartbreak John was only another vainglorious attempt to rule the drink life embodied in a man.
Jesus, well I finally was able to make my peace there. No longer feel the need to defy him at every turn but found no comfort in my worship either. I found peace but not in belief but in respect. I no longer engage antipathy or rage, but instead found a peaceful abiding giving him his due, but finding what I need for belief and salvation elsewhere. My issues with Jesus, resolved finally. The ire and wrath dissipated over the length of my life. Leaving his worship and belief to those more faithful in their following. Trusting that whatever results in being true, forgiveness is the path.
The Jeffs, well I have done the work required to repair the damage that remains. They more emblematic of a whole bunch of wasted efforts that led me to a place I came to know well, nowhere. Vast amounts of time and energy felled upon the hillsides of my life. Fallen timbers of men that perhaps were worthy, but despite their worth, passed over due to the one bad experience that left me scoured forever.
And as always, each analysis brings me back to me. The common denominator, the common thread. Perhaps corrosive myself in my inability to remain, to be honest, to be true. Violative of my own principles and values, content to worship the J men regardless of the cost...to them or me.
They represent mere chapters in the script of life. Representative for sure, but complete, not at all. My life replete with so many more lessons than contained in my engagement with the J men. But like all relations, each one impactful in its own right, each one leaving its mark.
And one more time I re-learn, or re-acquire the faith and knowledge that divinity comes from within. And regardless of the name salvation only comes for those brave enough to delve within the depths of your own lost soul.
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