Impatience...

I am struggling right now with being patient.  I want some things and they are not coming to me fast enough.  I feel like I have been waiting FOREVER...but in truth in has only been a little while.  

Why does time seem to fuck with me like this?

How can I rationally KNOW that the time I have been waiting is relatively short, but FEEL like I have been waiting eons?

Because both are equally true.

I have been waiting for some things for the whole of my life.  And at the very same time, I have been engaged in some things that have interfered with my ability to receive the thing that I want/need.  

My own past choices placing me in a position to be otherwise occupied so the thing that I want/need has been waylaid and stymied.

So I am responding in my usual pattern when the universe and I are not in lock step with Erin’s plans, designs and schemes.  I take matter into my own hands.  And I am disgusted with the results without fail...again.  Still.

I have lived the whole of my life flipping back and forth between this hard driving, take no prisoners person who gets shit done and makes shit happen.  And this other person, who I will admit that I know only tangentially and sporadically because her presence and essence is ushered to the door every time my Cracker Jack self takes over.  

So I am here to confess, and it is a confession, that I have been sitting with this milder version of myself for months.  Which feels like years.  Decades even.  But that pushy self has showed up on my milder’s selves doorstep and is staring into the ring camera of my life with a very intense gaze.  Like she kinda scares me.

So what to do?

Historically I just give in to her.  She is kind of a pain in the ass.  She is relentless and very intense.  Ignoring her has historically not worked out very well and usually, if I am honest, doesn’t last very long.

So here I sit, caught between the versions of myself and wondering if this is just how my life will always be?  Knowing that waiting, allowing, sitting quietly pays handsome dividends in my life and can bring people, places and things into being that I would have missed if I was running the whole show.

I am struggling also with my own audacity.  I mean, come on!  I have an amazing life.  I have a dream job that pays me well and takes care of me and VALUES me.  Actually they tell me I am INVALUABLE.   Which means the world to me.  I have the love of my family, my children are both doing well right now and I have a good relationship with both of them.  My parents are relatively healthy and very content.  I have AMAZING friends who love me, show up for me, listen to me and support me.  I have a self care routine that has taken a few blows recently due to me being sick for like two weeks now.  But it is there ready to be engaged again just as soon as this horrific cough is exorcised from my body...which will hopefully be happening fucking soon.

I like who I am today, and while I see all the areas I still need improvement, I am honestly working on those areas and doing my best to seek spiritual guidance instead of self will.

I spend my free time in nature, reading, writing and engaged in life affirming acts of service, love and kindness.

I have enough.  I have enough money, love, things, beings.  I am truly, absolutely blessed.

But today, in full disclosure and truthfulness, I am lonely.  Which is an emotion that I do not have a very good acquaintance with...because every time it comes, instead of learning what loneliness has to teach me, I immediately resolve the feeling with actions that only really make me feel more lonely.

And I am there again.  Reaching out in all my habitual patterns one more time to ease the ache.  To avoid confronting that which has plagued me forever.  This idea that I am unpartnerable.  I am going to always be seeking love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people and will never find a true partnership with a man.  

I see today that when impatience descends upon me, what I am really confronting is loneliness.  And apparently I will do almost ANYTHING to make that feeling go the fuck away.

So here I am. 

I guess the new behavior is to admit, own and allow to nestle in, is that I am lonely and bored and craving contact, excitement and all those feel good chemical that swirl in my body, mind and spirit that only the opposite sex is capable of creating in that particular way. That intoxicating elixir that does for me as much as it does to me.

And all of the above creates an immense impatience in me.  And in the most brutal honesty I can muster, this makes me feel like God has abandoned me and so I must take the abandoned reigns of my life and get this whole stagecoach of my life back on track before me and the horses go careening off that cliff that waits for us all, death waiting with a patience to be respected and feared.

So here I am impatient...but what I really am is lonely.  And today I can own that this feeling, this hollowed out and somewhat desperate feeling that has plagued me the entirety of my life.  And I have done A LOT of action to avoid feeling this feeling right here. And I really want to do something to avoid it again, still.

But I know where that leads, and I have been there way too often. I am literally and figuratively disgusted and bored by my own ideas, "coping" strategies and designs. I think I am so clever, but in reality, I just keep doing the same thing over and over again and calling it something different...which fools no one, except me.

So today, I will cease all my reactive activity and just sit with my own impatience AND my loneliness because for me, these two are intimate companions that do not like to be separated apparently.  And I will endeavor to sit still when everything in me so very desperately wants to take a whole bunch of action.  To get back on that fucking Merry-Go-Round and have another go...

Again.  Still.